From Executive Producer James Wan (The Conjuring Universe, Archive 81, M3GAN) comes the new horror series TEACUP.
TEACUP follows a disparate group of people in rural Georgia who must come together in the face of a mysterious threat in order to survive. Inspired by the New York Times bestselling novel “Stinger” by Robert McCammon, the cast includes Yvonne Strahovski, Scott Speedman, Chaske Spencer, Kathy Baker, Boris McGiver, Caleb Dolden, Emilie Bierre, Luciano Leroux.
The first two episodes of TEACUP premiere on Peacock on Thursday, October 10, followed by two episodes weekly through Halloween. The horror, thriller contains eight 30 Min episodes.
Published in 1988, Stinger is a classic horror novel that blends elements of science fiction and pulp fiction. Set in a dying Texas mining town, the story centers around an alien bounty hunter who arrives to track down a fugitive alien who has escaped from its home planet.
The novel introduced a powerful alien creature, known as Stinger, who comes to Earth on a deadly mission. James Wan says, “Teacup defies easy labels. It’s a genre-bending blend of horror, mystery, and drama, with layers that unfold like a captivating puzzle. It goes beyond chills and thrills and holds up a mirror to humanity, exploring the darkness that resides within us all. We hope you enjoy this wild ride as much as we’ve loved creating it!”
With only a couple more months left in 2023, will it be the movie year of the toy? Considering the BARBIE box office bonanza…probably. That’s especially true if you throw video games into that category. We’ve seen those Super Mario Brothers, a nifty true-life thriller on the making of TETRIS, another non-fiction sports flick involving the motor-racing world of GRAN TURISMO. And now we go from brightly colored pixel ‘shrooms to whirring-blade-fueled horror. Really, a game that elicits fear as you rack up the points? Oh yeah, this one is so popular there has already been at least one cinema rip-off (using those Saturday morning funsters THE BANANA SPLITS which this official fan club member did not appreciate). It’s kinda’ how THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER beat Conan to the multiplex by a few weeks in 1982. Well, now here comes the “real deal”, based on the gaming smash, and its follow-ups, from 2014. So, can moviegoers handle FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S? Grab a slice and collect those tokens!
It all begins with an unlucky security guard making his final late-night “rounds” in the food and fun emporium. After the main title we meet the main hero, Mike Schmidt (Josh Hutcherson). as he loses another job, this one’s security at a mall. It seems an incident triggered a childhood memory in which he saw his kid brother Garrett vanish forever from a family picnic. Now, the only family he has (the parents are long gone) is his kid sister Abby (Piper Rubio) whose behavior has her grade school teacher concerned. She’s retreated into her drawings and talking to her invisible friends. Mike’s gotta get a new job, otherwise, haughty Aunt Jane (Mary Stuart Masterson) will swoop in and grab custody (along with the government moola). His only chance is an odd supervisor at an employment service, Mr. Raglan (Matthew Lillard). He thinks Mike is perfect for an all-night security slot at a long-shuttered kiddie franchise, Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza. After getting a neighbor teen girl, Max (Kat Conner Sterling) to watch Abby, Mike takes the job. The joint is creepy with its old arcade games and empty pizza boxes, but nothing is more unnerving than the life-sized animatronic figures in Freddy’s band. Naturally, Mike drifts off to sleep, but something new has been added to his abduction nightmare. Five mute children appear to block his way. He jolts awake and gets the feeling that something is watching him. Meanwhile, Max picks up a “side hustle” with Aunt Jane. She and her pals will break in at Freddy’s, trash the place, and cause Mike to get fired. So will this plan work? And what will happen to Mike and Abby during those remaining nights at Freddy’s?
Hutcherson excels at giving Mike a constant vibe of sweaty desperation. He’s haunted by his past and full of dread about the future, Can he take care of lil’ sis? Or hold down any sort of job. His nocturnal childhood “cage” may have just found a “key” through Freddy’s place. But this release may just endanger the one person he strives to protect. As that person, Rubio as Abby has more energy than most “spooky” kiddies in other flicks. She conveys a dark sense of humor while standing up to her often too possessive “big bro”. Masterson is superbly “hissable” as the prime villainess here, a wicked aunt rather than a wicked stepmother, who’s even more snarky has she :plays nice” with Mike and Abby. Also, there’s a nice turn by Elizabeth Lail as a sympathetic policewoman whose beat just happens to include Freddy’s. There’s a bit of a romantic spark between her and Mike, but Officer Vanessa’s main mission is to put him on the “straight and narrow” while providing the proper “tools” for his deep dive into the old place’s mythos. And it’s great to see Lillard out of the “Scoobyverse” as the off-putting “red herring” (or is he), Raglan.
To quote uber-producer of modern horror, while with Seth Myers, Jason Blum, “We made this for the fans”. And so, for newbies (guilty) you may be perplexed, and more than a bit bored. as those same fan(atics) squeal and scream with delight with every game reference or cameo. This makes it difficult to compare, but the end cinematic results come off as another rather toothless (of course it’s rated ‘”PG-13″) time waster. It’s stunning how all the big “kills” (including major characters) are done “off-screen” with the discovered carnage hidden away from view. Director Emma Tammi does her best work in the scary pre-dawn moments at the “fun place”, but can’t hold our attention during the talky daytime set-ups, since many of the principals are one-note despite the team of screenwriters which includes her and the game’s creator Scott Cawthon. The biggest problem is that the game’s main focus, Freddy and his crew, don’t get a lot to do. This is a shame since the producers eschewed CGI for some nifty puppetry from the talented artists at Jim Henson’s creature shop (they made a menacing cupcake). The pre-teen crowd should have a blast yelling at the screen during Halloween group outings or slumber parties but horror “hounds” may be dreading (howling perhaps) a sixth day after FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S.
1.5 Out of 4
FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S is now playing in theatres everywhere and streams exclusively on Peacock
On Thursday, John Carpenter was the guest On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert to discuss his latest project “John Carpenter’s Suburban Screams”, a six-episode horror anthology series available to stream on Peacock.
The host, a huge film nerd, revealed to the audience that his go to comfort movie food is 1982’s THE THING. Reviled by critics and cinema goers at the time for being too gory and violent, while expecting a remake of Christian Nyby’s and Howard Hawks’s black & white version of 1951’s THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD, the movie was almost forgotten… until sci-fi and horror fans decided differently. In the decades since, the film saw new life with VHS, Laserdisc and Blu-ray/DVD. The film has a killer score composed by Ennio Morricone, organic, non-CGI effects from Rob Bottin and one of the best posters ever from Drew Struzan.
Having joined many Top Horror lists, film geeks over the years have bantered about different theories on the dismal ambiguous ending where the survivors slowly freeze to death to save humanity from infection in the ultimate heroic act.
When asked by Colbert if he knows who the actual Thing is, Carpenter coyly replies with: THERE’S AN ABSOLUTE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION, I DO KNOW THE ANSWER. IF YOU WATCH IT REALLY CAREFULLY AND YOU SEND ME A CHECK IN THE MAIL, I WILL TELL YOU. Colbert follows up with, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHETHER I CAN FIGURE IT OUT, to which Carpenter says, YOU CAN.
John Carpenter’s Suburban Screams is a genre-busting unscripted horror anthology series from the mind of legendary director, writer, and producer, John Carpenter. The series explores the dark secrets and unspeakable evil that sometimes lurks beneath the surface of the sun-drenched streets, manicured lawns and friendly neighbors of suburbia. Each episode focuses on one true tale of terror, told by the real people who lived through it. Their firsthand accounts are brought to life through premium cinematic scene-work, news clips, home photos, and archival footage, combining the visual language of horror films with the tools and techniques of documentaries, creating a uniquely frightening experience for viewers.
Remotely directed from his own home, check out Carpenter’s idea of scary.
Critically acclaimed filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan returns with his seventh #1 movie debut, KNOCK AT THE CABIN, yours to own on Digital March 24 and 4K Ultra HD, Blu-ray™ and DVD on May 9 from Universal Pictures Home Entertainment.
The film is also available to stream on Peacock on March 24, 2023.
Based on the book “The Cabin at the End of the World” by Paul Tremblay, the suspenseful apocalyptic thriller is “a relentlessly gripping winner” (The Playlist) that “commands your attention at every reveal” (Comicbook). KNOCK AT THE CABIN comes home with more than 40 minutes of exclusive bonus content, including deleted scenes and featurettes that dives deep into the film’s layered and multi-dimensional themes, Shyamalan’s visionary filmmaking process, and more.
KNOCK AT THE CABIN is a thriller about a tight-knit family who are taken hostage by four armed strangers while vacationing at a remote cabin. The visitors, led by Dave Bautista (Guardians of the Galaxy franchise, Dune), demand that the young girl and her parents make an unthinkable choice: to save their family or save humanity.
Showcasing outstanding performances from a talented and diverse ensemble cast alongside Bautista, KNOCK AT THE CABIN stars Jonathan Groff (Hamilton, “Mindhunter”), Ben Aldridge (“Fleabag,” “Our Girl”), Nikki Amuka-Bird (Old, “Avenue 5”), Abby Quinn (Little Women, “Mad About You”), Rupert Grint (Harry Potter franchise, “Servant”), and Kristen Cui in her feature film debut.
With the purchase of KNOCK AT THE CABIN on disc or digital, fans are eligible to earn points towards digital movies via the Universal All-Access Rewards program. Members can redeem their points for digital movies, swag and more! For registration and details please visit www.MyUniversalRewards.com.
BONUS FEATURES ON 4K ULTRA HD, BLU-RAYTM, DVD AND DIGITAL:
Deleted Scenes
○ They Need Some Time
○ Going to Church
○ Enjoying the Sun
○ Leonard Explains
Chowblaster Infomercial – Enjoy an extended cut of the TV informercial from the film that features an appearance by M. Night Shyamalan himself.
Choosing Wisely: Behind the Scenes of KNOCK AT THE CABIN– Examine what drew M. Night Shyamalan to adapt this terrifying story, and how the relationships between characters were unlike any this ensemble cast had ever played before.
Tools of the Apocalypse – Explore the creation of some of the film’s most terrifying props and learn why they play such an important role in the story.
Drawing a Picture – See how M. Night Shyamalan envisions his shots in advance of ever turning on the camera, through his extensive use of storyboards.
Kristen Cui Shines a Light – Take a closer look at actress Kristen Cui’s dynamic performance as Wen in her film debut.
FILMMAKERS:
Cast: Dave Bautista, Jonathan Groff, Ben Aldridge, Nikki Amuka-Bird, Kristen Cui, Abbey Quinn and Rupert Grint
Casting By: Douglas Aibel CSA
Costume Designer: Caroline Duncan
Music Supervisor: Susan Jacobs
Music By: Herdís Stefánsdóttir
Edited by: Noëmi Preiswerk
Production Designer: Naaman Marshall
Directors of Photography: Jarin Blaschke, Lowell A. Meyer
Executive Producers: Christos V. Konstantakopoulos, Ashley Fox, Steven Schneider
Produced By: Ashwin Rajan, Marc Bienstock, M. Night Shyamalan
Based on the Book “The Cabin at the End of the World” Written By: Paul Tremblay
Screenplay By: M. Night Shyamalan and Steve Desmond & Michael Sherman
Directed By: M. Night Shyamalan
KNOCK AT THE CABIN
TECHNICAL INFORMATION 4K ULTRA HD:
Street Date: May 9, 2023
Selection Number: 191329242353
Layers: BD 100
Aspect Ratio: 16:9 2.39:1 Widescreen
Rating: R for violence and language
Subtitles: English SDH, French Canadian and Latin American Spanish
Languages/Sound: English (Dolby Atmos, Dolby Digital 2.0 for Bonus Content), French Canadian (Dolby Digital 5.1), and Latin American Spanish (Dolby Digital 5.1)
Run Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes
TECHNICAL INFORMATION BLU-RAY™:
Street Date: May 9, 2023
Selection Number: 191329239148
Layers: BD 50
Aspect Ratio: 16:9 2.39:1 Widescreen
Rating: R for violence and language
Subtitles: English SDH, French Canadian and Latin American Spanish
Languages/Sound: English (Dolby Atmos, Dolby Digital 2.0 for Bonus Content), French Canadian (Dolby Digital 5.1), and Latin American Spanish (Dolby Digital 5.1)
Run Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes
TECHNICAL INFORMATION DVD:
Street Date: May 9, 2023
Selection Number: 191329239131
Layers: DVD 9
Aspect Ratio: 16:9 2.39:1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Rating: R for violence and language
Subtitles: English SDH, Complex Mandarin, French Canadian, Korean and Latin American Spanish
Languages/Sound: English (Dolby Digital 5.1, Dolby Digital 2.0 for Bonus Content), French Canadian (Dolby Digital 5.1), and Latin American Spanish (Dolby Digital 5.1)
Michael Myers (aka The Shape) in Halloween Ends, co-written, produced and directed by David Gordon Green.
Wow, that time of year snuck up on us once more, much like the creeper of this looooong-time horror franchise. Yes, Fall is fully here and that big holiday is mere weeks away. And this is the (unlucky) thirteenth entry in the series that began 44 years ago (feels like we just marked its big 4-0). As though we’ve not been bombarded with horror flicks the last few weeks, from THE INVITATION to current box office champ SMILE. Ah, but this is different since it’s being treated as a major release from a big-time studio, and it stars the original’s “break-out” actress, who has had a career way beyond that early label of “scream queen”, though many genre stars proceeded her. But this was a true “game-changer” back in 1978. But will its implied “conclusion’ tingle the spines of twenty-first-century moviegoers? More importantly, will they accept the idea that HALLOWEEN ENDS?
Oddly, this ending begins with a flashback to 2019. It is that holiday setting, and another teenage babysitter Corey (Rohan Campbell), a fella’ this time, endures a deadly prank that will impact his life. Cut (natch’) to today. Well, here’s where it gets a bit confusing as it is four years since the events of KILLS which was released a year ago (wonky movie timelines). That original sitter, Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis), seems to be on the road to a healed psyche. She’s not training in a wooded “bunker’ any longer, instead, she resides in a nice cozy house (the old family “house of horrors” was torn down) with her granddaughter Allyson (Andi Matichak), who has begun a career as a nurse. And much of Laurie’s time is taken up with her writing as she types away at an inspirational memoir. Things are pretty quiet since it has been a few years since “you-know-who” stalked Haddonfield, Illinois. But there’s lots of drama left there as Laurie befriends Corey when some local hooligans gang up on him, which leads him to a “bloody cute” (literally) meeting with Allyson. They even hit a pre-holiday party at a local bar. But then he takes off his scarecrow mask and the “haters” break them up, which leads to him taking a tumble off an overpass. When he wakes up Corey hears grumbling from someone in a drainage tunnel. This empties into an underground level that is now the lair of a very weak “shape”, or “boogeyman” Michael Myers. Yet somehow he spares Corey when their eyes meet and they seem to share a twisted spiritual connection. Soon this unlikely duo is erasing names from Corey’s “s*#t list” as his romance with Allyson heats up. But Laurie sees a change in his eyes and fears that the “evil” may have a new host. Can she save her family from the new threat and a very old enemy?
Aside from “the Shape” the main reason for this “new trilogy” is the white-hot stat power generated by the formidable Ms. Curtis. And for her many fans, well to put it bluntly, she brings it, all of her skills and strength, to what she insists is her final waltz with Laurie. The last entry was a bit of a letdown as her character was mostly confined to a hospital room (much as in that second flick from 1981), happily here she’s in the “thick of it”, action-wise. But she’s more than the grim avenger of four years ago. We see her sweet side as Curtis lets a shy smile emerge while flirting with the charming Will Patton, who’s back as Hawkins. Plus there’s the maternal dealing with Allyson, pared with lots of conflict and remorse (Laurie’s not going to blow this second chance at parenting). Matichak captivates as the “final Strode sibling”, though too often she’s regulated to being the “good gal” defending the “bad boy” she adores because nobody else “understands”. Until it devolves into a cliched angsty star-crossed romance, she has a nice initial rapport with Campbell’s Corey who deftly turns from dweebish teen to haunted twenty-something as he slowly succumbs to the darkness of the small-town taunts and torments. Ultimately the script calls for him to emote via sneers and snarls when away from Alyson and as he falls fully under the spell of the Shape.
The best thing say of this “finale” is that it does indeed feel like one, and it’s miles above last year’s dreary. overwrought “message-y” misfire (none of this “the town is the real evil” hoohah). It’s odd since most of the same creative team made this one, led by director and co-writer (it took a quartet) David Gordon Green. He keeps the third act moving briskly, from one gore-fueled set piece to another, which should satisfy the fans who may grow restless waiting for their masked “hero” to do his “business” after the Corey subplot and the more “mellow” Laurie. Actually, this one’s main problem might be a script that’s too ambitious as it tries to meld a thrill ride with bits of family drama and an unlikely mentoring saga. Plus the final “throw-down” is marred by the off-kilter actions of a major player. Well, at least the “hit list” is made up of some really awful folks (though maybe not deserving of such extreme reprimands). Another plus is the always sinister musical themes that have been given a tweak or two by the master, John Carpenter, and his audio crew. And as I said, it feels like a final farewell, but only the box office can guarantee that HALLOWEEN ENDS.
2 Out of 4
HALLOWEEN ENDS is now playing in select theatres and streams exclusively for 60 days on Peacock beginning on 10/15/2022
Just in time for the big holiday weekend that “closes the curtain” on the summer blockbusters of 2022, comes a comedy that’s more than a bit different from the usual warm weather farces. That’s because it’s part of the increasingly popular subgenre, the “mockumentary”, which parodies documentary features (that’s the “mock” part). It stretches back more than fifty years, to Woody Allen’s feature directing debut, TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, but most current film fans zero in on Rob Reiner’s THIS IS SPINAL TAP, which inspired one of its stars, Christopher Guest, to create his beloved string of cult classics like BEST IN SHOW and A MIGHTY WIND. And a few others jump in with such efforts as CB4 and WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS (which spawned a still-running TV series). The small -screen has embraced the format with hits like “The Office” and “Modern Family”. But it’s back on the big screen in a big way, as this story two main characters implore drivers to HONL FOR JESUS. SAVE YOUR SOUL.
The two in question are the founders of a big “mega-church” right outside of Atlanta. We first see them in “action” via “news archive footage. The Reverend Lee Curtis-Childs (Sterling K Brown) aided by his wife and “first lady” Trinitie (Regina Hall) “packed the pews” and sent their sermons over the airwaves LIVE from the Wander the Greener Path Baptist Church, which could almost double as a mall or a college. But those days are long gone, thanks to the Rev’s recent scandals (some “improprieties” that he and the missus don’t want to discuss on camera with the doc crew following them). Now that the trials are over and “settlements” have been made, the duo are determined to re-open their “palace of worship”. Luckily they still have a handful of followers, but the majority of their old “flock’ is now down the street at Heaven’s House run by a married evangelical “tag-team’, Shakura (Nicole Behaire) and Keon (Conphidance) Sumpter, who are planning a big expansion. Nonetheless, Pastor Lee has a “vision” of a big, splashy “re-opening” on Easter Sunday, only weeks away. Trinitie is supportive, but has her concerns, especially when they find out the Sumpters will have the big debut of their shiny new facility on the same day. Will someone “blink”, or could this be the beginning of a modern “holy war”?
Although not the most flamboyant of the duo, Ms. Hall truly carries the film as the true ‘rock” of this battered church. Yes, she strides about in her outrageous “Sunday go ta’ meetin'” ensembles as though Trinitie was “working the runaway”, but her fashion style is used to obscure her doubts, from her marriage to the “spiritual rebirth’ of WTGPBC. With her expressive eyes and subtle gestures, Hall conveys the character’s vulnerability over the “public humiliations” while flashing a frozen grin for the doc cameras, and evading any negative aspects. It’s certainly more than her ego-fueled “other-half” deserves. Brown plays him almost as a strutting peacock, his smile becoming a menacing leer as he “puffs out” for the cameras and revels in his sense of entitlement and blind confidence in his “gifts”.His “showboat” style can’t quite cover his rage over his unpure impulses, and his need to destroy those who would thwart his plans (“Cut the cameras…now!!”). Behaire and Conphiance have fewer scenes, put we see how they’re veering on to the same road while believing themselves above the shallow former “religious royalty”.
Expanding on her 2018 film short of the same name, writer/director Adamma Ebo does capture the look of the mega-churches and the “holy circus” flashy “sermonizin'”, but it feels like “shooting fish in a barrel”, with a subject matter too easy to mock, especially after last year’s THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE which mined much of the same material while also delivering the drama of the Bakers. The Reverend comes off even more cartoonish as he pushes his Pradas toward the cameras, while Trinitie continues to be humiliated and brushed aside. In the finale when she “finds her voice” the shocking “gag” can’t quite overcome the degrading antics she endures outside the church’s entrance (I just didn’t buy it, even for a farce). Despite the “shock” tactics, it’s “been there, and the real “deal” is often more outrageous and grotesque”. And certainly not enlightening or entertaining, despite the best efforts of the lead duo. Sure they’re “all in’ with their role, but they can’t “revive’ the dreary, one-joke-long slog that is HONK FOR JESUS. SAVE YOUR SOUL. Amen and oy vey!
One Out of Four
HONK FOR JESUS. SAVE YOUR SOUL opens in select theatres and streams on Peacock beginning on Friday, September 2, 2022
Peacock and Lionsgate today announced a multi-year deal for The Continental, the highly anticipated three-part special event based on the blockbuster action franchise, John Wick. Premiering exclusively on Peacock in 2023, The Continental will explore the origin story and inner workings of the exclusive Continental Hotel, a centerpiece of the John Wick Universe which serves as a refuge for assassins. Special Event Series will premiere exclusively on Peacock in 2023 alongside the John Wick Movie Trilogy.
The John Wick films have grossed nearly $600 million worldwide to date, with each film outperforming its predecessor, with John Wick: Chapter Four scheduled for theatrical release worldwide in March 2023.
“The John Wick films have become a global phenomenon, are among the most watched titles on Peacock and we are thrilled and honored to partner with Lionsgate to extend this incredible franchise,” said Kelly Campbell, President, Peacock and Direct-to-Consumer. “We understand the value of a global franchise and Val Boreland and team knew that by bringing this special event series to Peacock and putting the full power of NBCUniversal behind it, the premiere of The Continental will be the streaming event of the year.”
“John Wick has become part of the cultural zeitgeist with a massive, passionately engaged fan base around the world,” said Lionsgate Television Group Chair Kevin Beggs. “We’re delighted to partner with Peacock to continue expanding the John Wick Universe. This agreement reflects the collaboration of our Motion Picture Group, which has grown the franchise from the beginning and was excited by the opportunity to bring it to the next level, Jim Packer and his Worldwide Television Distribution team, which found the perfect home for The Continental, and the Lionsgate Television creative group, which created a brilliant and enduring property that is one of the most highly-anticipated streaming events of 2023.”
Told from the perspective of the hotel manager, a young Winston Scott (Colin Woodell, based on IanMcShane’s character in the films), is dragged through 1975 New York to face a past he thought he’d left behind. In an attempt to seize control of the iconic hotel, which serves as a meeting point for the world’s most dangerous criminals, Winston charts a deadly course through the mysterious underworld of New York City.
Woodell is joined by Ayomide Adegun, who will portray a young Charon (based on Lance Reddick’s character); Peter Greene, who dons the fedora of Uncle Charlie (based on the tight-lipped body disposal expert); Mel Gibson, as Cormac; Ben Robson as Frankie; Hubert Point-Du Jour as Miles; Jessica Allain as Lou; Mishel Prada as KD; and Nhung Kate as Yen.
Greg Coolidge and Kirk Ward serve as writers and showrunners on The Continental, and executive produce alongside Albert Hughes, Thunder Road Pictures’ Basil Iwanyk and Erica Lee, Chad Stahelski, Derek Kolstad, David Leitch, Shawn Simmons, Paul Wernick, Rhett Reese and Marshall Persinger. Albert Hughes directs the first and third nights and Charlotte Brandstrom directs the second night.
Negotiations were led by Val Boreland, EVP and Head of Content Acquisitions for NBCUniversal and Jim Packer, President of Worldwide Television and Digital Distribution for Lionsgate.
(from left) Kat Valdez (Jennifer Lopez) and Charlie Gilbert (Owen Wilson) in Marry Me, directed by Kat Coiro.
So you didn’t think that I WANT YOU BACK would be the only “rom-com” feature dropping on this pre-Valentine’s Day weekend? Did you? I mean there’s got to be one to play the multiplexes since the other flick is only streaming (well, this one’s doing both actually), right? Oh, and this new release is the long-awaited return to the genre by the multi-talented (all manner of media, really) star that some have dubbed (heard it on one of the morning TV chat shows just the other day) “the patron saint of rom-coms”. Now don’t expect her to be a demure passive heroine this time out. Her demands and agenda pretty much boil down to two words: MARRY ME (Imagine the length of that queue, yeesh).
The lady with that simple request is worldwide pop sensation Kat Valdez (Jennifer Lopez). Her decades-long popularity has gotten a big “bump” recently with her very public romance with “up and coming ” crooner Bastian (Maluma). They’ve got a duet that’s at the top of the charts, “Marry Me”, and actually plan on tieing the knot at the conclusion of their joint concert spectacular (beamed around the globe, of course) at NYC’s Madison Square Garden. Miles away from the whirlwind of planning and “prep”, middle school math teacher and divorced dad Charlie Gilbert (Owen Wilson) is taking his pre-teen daughter Lou (Chloe Coleman) to school (he works there, she attends). Naturally, she wants to distance herself from him, upcoming her “coolness cred”. In between classes, guidance counselor and pal Parker Debbs (Sarah Silverman) tells Charlie that she now has two extra tickets to the sold-out Kat and Bastian concert (her ex-girlfriend and her new GF bailed). Charlie reluctantly agrees in order to impress Lou. But things don’t quite go as planned at the big multi-media event. Minutes before the nuptials, as Kat dons her sparkly wedding gown, Page Six drops a big scandal on their website, complete with a “hidden camera” video. A stunned and shocked Kat silences the orchestra and addresses the audience. As she scans the crowd she spots Charlie holding Lou’s makeshift poster board that says “Marry Me”. Kat beckons him to the stage. The wedding will go on, but with a new groom. Concerned about Kat’s state of mind, Charlie agrees and the two exchange “I do’s”. Backstage the pair, go their separate ways, with Kat’s flabbergasted manager Collin (John Bradley) insisting that he will have it all annulled within hours and monetarily compensate Charlie. But Kat’s got other ideas after a brief conversation with Charlie generates sparks. Could this impromptu gesture actually turn into something? But can their very different worlds mesh?
That “patron saint’ is Lopez of course, who seems to be taking somewhat of a career “backstep”, as this is her first feature since her lauded bravada turn three years ago as the “stripper pole queen” of HUSTLERS. At least Kat is a bit closer to her own ‘perceived’ persona, a “meta skewing’ of the publicity chaos that appears to surround her 24/7. Still, she brings a real change to the character as she emerges from the “bubble” and learns to “walk amongst the mortals” and truly connect. That main “mortal man” is the always charming Wilson who still has that affable everyman vibe (guessing if the flick was made 75 years ago, Jimmy Stewart would “aw shucks” he way with it). His Charlie bonds with everyone, especially his “math team”, but Wilson still gives him a wry attitude as he makes subtle digs at the “superstar” life. Rounding out this unlikely “love triangle” is Bastian played by Columbian heartthrob Maluma in his big feature film debut (though we can hear him in ENCANTO). He earns kudos for playing up all the “diva arrogance’ as he practically spits venom at Charlie as he tries to slither his way back to Kat. Also scoring is Ms. Coleman who is endearing as Charlie’s daughter trying to “find her own way” while still needing her daddy. The film is really packed with many of the best comic actors, but their “edges” are somewhat “smoothed” for this mass-audience entertainment. Stand-up star Michelle Buteau buzzes about as Kat’s viral-obsessed aide, while Utkarsh Ambudkar sneers and jeers as a rival math team coach. But the biggest “missed-op” is Silverman as Parker a “gender-switched” take on the rom-com cliche of the heroine’s ultra-supportive gay BFF or next-door neighbor. Her dangerous on-stage bawdy snark is neutered as the school staffer/ wannabe rep for Charlie. Perhaps she hopes to “expand the brand’, but her role here feels toothless. Oh well, at least there’s Jimmy Fallon bucking his “nice guy” image for a more surly prickly twist on his late-night TV gig.
The whole film hinges on the whole premise taken from some of the recent cable-TV “mating shows’ (with titles like “Married at First Sight”, “Love is Blind”, etc.). For most of us (well, me) the whole “plucking from the crowd” thing comes off as ludicrous in the extreme. Perhaps it worked better in the original graphic novel or webcomic (okay, a comic book) by Bobby Crosby which couldn’t quite gel in the screen adaptation by Harper Dill, John Rogers, and Tami Sanger. The concert finale is meant to be Kat’s on-stage meltdown, but her competent compassionate manager Collin (played warmly by Bradley) would’ve pulled the plug on it. We get a hint of the crazed paparazzi-fueled frenzy, but it’s more a mild annoyance. Director Kat Corio does her best with the material, but we can predict the relationship roadmap proceeding along the usual route to its inevitable destination. The leads are likable enough, but the whole thing feels too cloying and cutesy. If that weren’t enough we’re almost suffocated by the “synergy”. Scenes are built around different parts of the Universal media family. Aside from Fallon, NBC Today provides a constant “Greek chorus” along with Telemundo. Enough with the Tie-ins”!Perhaps this was intended as a 25th-anniversary reunion of the two stars (ANACONDA was way back in 1997), but only the most fervent rom-com fanatic will get anything from this wobbly wonky gender-spin on PRETTY WOMAN (with some NOTTING HILL tossed in). Better to stream those gems rather than endure the dreary by-the-numbers MARRY ME.
1 Out of 4
MARRY ME opens in theatres everywhere and streams exclusively on Peacock beginning on Friday, February 11, 2022
