GREENLAND – Review

You can count the days on one hand now. Less than a week before the biggest holiday on the calendar, the one that brings families together (most years, now…). Yes, Christmas unites families as does imminent disaster (as the frequent lockdowns of the pandemic have proven). But what if we’re talking about mere hours, rather than these extended quarantine periods? Could you somehow set aside everything (conflicts, distance) to fight the panicked throngs and get your loved ones to a place of somewhat uncertain safety? That’s the challenge facing the Garrity’s in this Earth-shaking (literally) new dramatic thriller. Perhaps their only chance of survival exists across the Atlantic in GREENLAND.

John Garrity (Gerard Butler) toils as a construction exec in Atlanta GA. His ability to leave the site early rarely happens, but he’s hosting a big neighborhood BBQ/ watch party. But what are they watching? Is it a sporting event? No, they’ll be looking at the news reports as the much-publicized Clarke Comet finally enters our planet’s atmosphere. It’s generally thought that most of the comet will evaporate, but it’ll hopefully be a pretty light show. When John returns home we learn that his marriage to Allison (Morena Baccarin) is strained, but they’re putting on a happy face for their friends and their sweet seven-year-old son Nathan (Roger Dale Floyd). On a shopping trip for last-minute supplies, the boys are surprised by a fleet of jets zooming overhead. In the store, the alarm setting from John’s phone begins blaring. It’s a message from the NSA saying that he, his wife, and son should pack a bag and report to the nearest air force base for emergency relocation. He and Nathan return home just in time for the first bit of the comet’s debris to hit. John is shocked when its force sends out a shock wave that knocks him to the ground and breaks the house’s windows. It seems that the government and media were downplaying the danger of Clarke. The trio quickly packs their bags and jump into their SUV. Of course, it’s a madhouse at the base as a mob tries to get past the gate. Luckily John shows the guards the text message code on his phone. Inside the hanger, they discover that Nathan’s diabetes meds were left in the car. But as John goes to retrieve them, the supervisors learn of the child’s ailment. Those with medical conditions are not allowed on planes. As the arrival of the big chunk of Clarke known as the “planet killer” nears, John is separated from his wife and son. Can they reunite and make the long trek to her father’s home in Knoxville in time. And could there be a way for them to find perhaps the only safe haven from the world’s end?

The most impressive skill set that the main cast utilizes is the ability to sustain a consistent level of hysteria in many of the story’s most harrowing sequences. In fact, this is the best work in a while for Butler, who has been bouncing between mediocre to near-unwatchable “rom-coms” and action “potboilers” for much of the previous decade. He makes John Garrity a believable “everyman” who is dumbfounded by the government’s efforts to “scoop him up”. Later we see his torment at having to ignore the pleas of his neighbors as he dashes away. And when he must defend himself (and he really tries to talk things out) we see the shock in his eyes as the violent encounter takes a fatal turn. Butler shows us how John pushes past the extreme trauma and exhaustion to hold on to his family. Baccarin is an equal partner, trying to comprehend this disruption to their lives, then switching into “mama Grizzly” mode to protect her child. Like her hubby, she nearly gives in to grief and despair but never lets that flicker of hope get extinguished. Floyd is a most endearing moppet, who conveys Nathan’s fears but is able to summon up his bravery in several harrowing scenes. A few of those are with David Denman and Hope Davis who are very effective as a helpful couple that might be hiding some truly evil intentions. A very pleasant surprise saved for the final act is the casting of the underused Scott Glenn as the patriarch that’s tough with his son-in-law (John knows that he’s “got it coming”) and tender with his grandson. He can’t stop a comet, but his Dale could protect his “kin” against almost anything.

Director Ric Roman Waugh (a former stuntman) does a terrific job giving us a sense of the scope of the disaster, while not losing focus on the intimate tale of a family slowly healing as they fight to survive. Thanks no doubt to some subtle CGI trickery, we can feel as though we’re right in the middle of the uncontrollable mobs that respect nothing in their path. The fairly tight script by Chris Sparling has a bit of an episodic feel or (for your classic film buff) the beats of a movie serial with the Garrity clan facing another new perilous challenge at the end of every “chapter” ( or in this feature film’s case every ten or twelve minutes). The stunt performers are top-notch, from a car chase through a packed highway to a punishing attack from above by hot comet chunks (a constant stream of flaming softballs). Overall the flick delivers what it promises in nail-biting, world-ending thrills, and suspense. After nearly nine months of stress, it may be comforting to see what could happen if things got a whole lot worse. It doesn’t quite have the nostalgic vibe of those 70s catastrophe classics (the Irwin Allen flicks or the AIRPORT series), but if you’re in the need of a ride that’ll keep you on the edge of your sofa (or recliner) than book a trip to GREENLAND.

2.5 Out of 4

GREENLAND is available as a Video-On-Demand via most streaming apps and platforms beginning Friday, December 18, 2020.

Hump Day Horribleness: ‘Disaster Movie’

disaster-movie

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100.   Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list.   Some of them are on and off in a matter of days.   Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand.   Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list?   Are they not as bad as everyone says?   Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

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Title: ‘Disaster Movie’

Release Date: August 29th, 2008

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 4/14/2009): #20 (based on 26,735 votes)

Why it’s here: This was the last in the quadrilogy (so far) of Friedberg & Seltzer, the writing/directing team that also brought us ‘Date Movie,’ ‘Epic Movie,’ and ‘Meet the Spartans.’Â   Aside from giving Tony Cox paychecks so that he can continue living his vegetarian lifestyle, these films just randomly throw out as many pop culture references and then decide that’s good enough.

Wanna see Iron Man?   Wanna see Iron Man get crushed under the weight of a falling cow?   God, that’s funny.

Not really.

You can check out our full reviews for ‘Disaster Movie’ here, because, you know, we can’t pass up a free movie, even when it makes bleed from our eye holes and saps us of our childhood memories.   I have long since said goodbye to visions of my first dog, Mario, because I had to see a fake Juno (from ‘Juno’) fight a fake Samantha (from ‘Sex and the City’).   You know what?   Amazingly enough, these two characters are more annoying than the real Juno and the real Samantha, and that’s saying a whole helluva lot.

All of the ridiculous antics in this film culminate in a 10-minute long rendition of Jimmy Kimmel’s famous “I’m F***ing Matt Damon” wherein the characters of the film go back through reintroducing every other character in the entire friggin’ film.   Plus, this being a PG-13 film, the word “f***ing” has been replaced with “loving” so any thoughts of it being funny in the least are totally lost.   That, friends, is a seriously epic FAIL!

Lowest of the low moments: Seeing Mad TV’s Nicole Parker pop up as an Amy Winehouse look-a-like in the opening ‘10,000 BC’ spoof makes you yearn for anything Roland Emmerich put to film.   However, the worst of the worst moments of this film has to be that excruciating “I’m F***ing Matt Damon” montage that seems to last about 18 months.

Will it ever get off the list: This is going to be hard to tell.   It only came out late last year, but the film has almost 27,000 votes.   Almost 21,000 of those votes are 1 out of 10.   1648 people gave it a 10, which makes me fear for future generations.   I’m gonna have to conclude that ‘Disaster Movie’ will forever be on the Bottom 100.   It will surely fluctuate up and down the list, but it will forever have a spot there.

Review: ‘Disaster Movie’

Travis:

Here’s the short version… ‘Disaster Movie’ is, wait… wait for it… A DISASTER !!! Surprised?

Friedberg and Seltzer ought to come to the vivid and painfully true realization that they are completely and totally out of steam, at least in the parody movie genre. There comes a time when every man must accept that he must either adapt to survive or else suffer an agonizing and excruciating extinction forever. Guys, if you can’t make a “real” movie then maybe this filmmaking thing is not for you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pursue your dreams, but… for God’s sake, please tell me making a movie as horribly bad as this is NOT your dream come true! Your walking a fine line dudes. Uwe Boll is starting to look good. That’s NOT a compliment!

You’ll probably notice that we’re not talking a lot about the plot of ‘Disaster Movie’… that’s because there is NONE! Oh sure, it’s a spoof movie. There’s no need for a plot. [ahem] That rule only applies if the movie is actually funny. I fear the days of ‘Blazing Saddles’, ‘Amazon Women on the Moon’, ‘Airplane!’ and ‘Naked Gun’ are long behind us. How I long to laugh at a good parody. Anyone seen one lately? I find it difficult to even call this movie by it’s real title… ‘Disaster Movie’. There are more comic book movie references here than there are disaster movie references. It should have been titled ‘Superhero Movie 2’, but it still would have absolutely sucked.

Honestly, my friends… there’s nearly nothing good to say about this movie. I rarely come right and and say “DON’T SEE THIS” but I am severely tempted. The jokes are not funny, the gags are lame and the incredibly annoying unfunny crap in this film is made even worse because the filmmakers chose to hammer the laugh-less bits into the ground, squeezing and grinding and bludgeoning them until there’s nothing left. That’s actually rather impressive since they was nothing there  to begin with. I could even see how a few [few=1-2, maybe] of the comedic bits may have been funny if they weren’t played to death, such as the crazy crackhead princess prostitute or the evil rabid Alvin and the Chipmunks. The worst offender was the Hannah Montana bit that just  wouldn’t end and not a single person in the theater laughed, not once. The Juno bit wasn’t funny to begin with and that dung heap lasted more than half of the film. The worst strike against these guy’s movie mojo was perhaps their biggest offense… that being the Michael Jackson gag. Hello, this has been done, what… 473 times now? Stop! Whatever humor there was in stabbing at Michael Jackson, his monkey and the little boys expired like unrefrigerated ham salad about 10 years ago.

To the readers, I greatly apologize for this onslaught of negativity. Normally, I make an effort to find the silver lining in most films but this one is laden with tarnished fool’s gold at best. I consider it my duty to encourage viewers to decide for themselves, but I also feel obliged to forewarn moviegoers of potential mental health risks and this puppy hits RED level, or whatever the highest level of the stinking Homeland Security alert is anymore. Feel free to see for yourself, but enter at your own risk.

[rating:0.25/5]

Ram Man:

Disaster Movie…The title speaks for itself! I don’t mind a parody movie, IF IT’S FUNNY. Scary Movie,  Date Movie and Not Another Teen Movie were funny, but the recent group of “spoof” movies (Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans,Superhero Movie) have no direction, story and they aren’t funny. I did try to go into this film with an open mind, but 20 minutes in  I thought I was in a library not a movie theater.

Disaster Movie is about the end of the world happening on …TODAY, August 29TH, 2008..the same date this movie opens! It makes fun of the following films: 10,000 BC (this was horrible on it’s own!), JUNO (a 35 yr. old pregnant high schooler), Cloverfield (but there’s no monster), High School Musical, Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and we have appearances by the Summer’s Movie Superstars: The Dark Knight, Ironman, the Hulk and Hellboy. I would normally give you the basis of the film here, but as I said it doesn’t have one. This is 90 minutes of bad Mad TV sketches smashed together with a bunch of no name actors. Is it all bad…no. There were three…yes, three things I took away from this. 1. The wrestle-royal match between Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian that allowed them to show off their finest assests: their cleavage! 2. The zombie, flesh eating, Alvin and the Chipmunks, I did enjoy them eating the faux-Juno girl…because she would then not return in the film! and 3. The princess from Enchanted who  turned out  to be  a slut who slept with most of the cast had a few humorous lines. But the crowd wasn’t laughing. I had a chuckle when I started the count of people leaving the film after they had enough (30 mins in).

Disaster movie is a vile waste of time and money. As I exited the film I equated this film to a 90 minute lobotomy….you will leave this film dumber than when you went in. I think if they showed this to terrorist suspects in Guantanamo Bay they would turn over Bin Laden just to make them turn off the movie! Here it is in black and white: if you pay to see these movies, no matter how bad they are, they are going to keep making them! Let your voice be heard through the tickets sales, avoid Disaster Movie like the Cancer it is. Maybe then Jason Friedberg will get the clue and stop making them!

[rating: 0/5]

Jeremy:

Last week, ‘Hamlet 2’ had a lead character who felt that it didn’t matter how much talent you had as long as whatever you do, you do with excitement. He felt that would be enough. I would almost say that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the writers and directors behind ‘Disaster Movie’, live by that rule. ‘Hamlet 2’ was being satirical when it brought up that point. ‘Disaster Movie’, as well as the duo’s previous films, ‘Scary Movie’, ‘Date Movie’, ‘Epic Movie’, and ‘Meet the Spartans’, are all films that treat that idea as if it were holy scripture. For them, it doesn’t matter how many times you see Hannah Montana get crushed by a meteor, or something to that effect, the audience will keep coming back.

To serious sit down and review ‘Disaster Movie’ is a bit like trying to put on socks over shoes. It’s really dumb. It’s really pointless. You’re not going to convince others to go along with you. You know, all of you, whether or not you are going to throw down your hard-earned cash to see this movie. It is completely pointless for me, or anyone, for that matter, to sit here and tell you you would be better off watching your money float down a gutter than spend it on this movie. It would be a waste of my time to tell you standing in front of a brick wall and repeatedly bashing your head into it until all the blood as drained from your eyes and you go blind would serve a greater purpose than seeing this movie. There are a countless number of ways to explain just how mind-numbingly idiotic this film really is. And not even the film, itself, is as idiotic as the notion that, brace yourself, $25 million was spent to come up with this screenplay, hire these actors, and put this film together.

Let’s look at that figure. $25 million dollars. Now, let’s look back at some films that have been released in recent years. ‘Memento’ cost $9 million. ‘Pulp Fiction’ cost $8 million. ‘Clerks’ cost a whopping $27,000. That’s a grand total of $17.023 million. Adjust for inflation, and you still haven’t covered the costs of ‘Disaster Movie’. Those are resources that could have been spent in far better ways, like, teaching sewer rats how to yodel, for instance.

To be perfectly frank, I just realized I’m only entertaining myself right now. I haven’t even gone into any details about the movie, and why should I? You look back at Friedberg and Seltzer’s three previous movies, and you see that, combined, all three have profited over $55 million. You know the freight train of insultingly bad comedies is just going to keep on coming.

So, let’s get down to the film, itself.

‘Disaster Movie’.

Is there one, single, entertaining moment in the entire movie? I could go on about how there are two moments in the entire film that are genuinely funny. Then, I could go on about how those moments are squandered, because the writers, realizing they’ve struck gold, decide to grind those moments into the ground until you can’t even see back far enough to see where they were funny in the first place.

Confused? How about a caveman fighting The Wolf from American Gladiators only to stumble upon Amy Winehouse who proceeds to pull a crystal skull from out of her hair. That’s the first ten minutes. My ears are now bleeding from having to recollect all of that.

In the last month, we’ve had ‘Step Brothers’, ‘Pineapple Express’, ‘Tropic Thunder’, ‘The Rocker’, and ‘Hamlet 2’. That is a list of five movies released in just the last 40 days that are exponentially funnier than ‘Disaster Movie’. Was anything else expected? Well, no. Is there any way any bad reviews or any bad word of mouth is going to keep this movie from making every nickel it was going to make anyway? Probably not. So, if you were planning on seeing it, go for it. You’ve probably stopped reading a long time ago. See it or not, it’s not going to stall the inevitable release of ‘Sci-fi Movie’ one bit.

[rating:0/5]

‘Disaster Movie’ Going with No Press Screenings

It’s safe to say most teenagers and young adults have seen one of the four ‘Scary Movie’s’. I don’t think many people would be afraid to admit that they laughed quite a bit in the films, and because of that ‘Scary Movie’ has turned into a very successful movie franchise. Of course when a movie is successful there is always one thing that follows. Wannabes.

If you have ever seen ‘Epic Movie’, ‘Date Movie’ or ‘Meet the Spartans’ you have seen what is an attempt of a knockoff ‘Scary Movie’ to get some easy money. Unfortunately it has yet to be done, and probably never will be.

You may be aware that at the end of the month yet another knock-off comedy is going to hit theaters called ‘Disaster Movie’.

It turns out that ‘Disaster Movie’ isn’t going to have any press screenings, and news like this only tells the press one thing; the makers of the movie are trying to hide. The creators of ‘Disaster Movie’ know it’s a bad film and won’t do well if they let the press beat up the movie so they will be having zero screenings. When I first heard about this movie I said it was going to suck so I am not surprised to hear this at all. The moral of this story is simple. Save your money when this movie hits theaters and see something else. There is no way a movie called ‘Disaster Movie’ could possibly be good, and I am sure reviews will have a blast making fun of the movies title. It hits theaters on August 29.

Roland Emmerich plans disaster in ‘2012’

Producer and writer/director Roland Emmerich is well-known for his epic, big-budget films that always make an impact, whether or not the impact is positive or not. With films like Universal Soldier, Stargate, Independence Day and The Patriot all bringing him fair-to good reviews and some hefty box office receipts, Emmerich has also directed some lesser acclaimed films like Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow and 10,000 BC.

Next up, 2012, a sort of inter-dimensional quasi-futuristic end of the world disaster movie whereas a scientist opens a portal to a parallel universe and meets himself. [Um, wouldn’t this cause a rift in the space-time continuum?] The two versions of himself work together to prevent some apocalyptic event that has been predicted by the ancient Mayans.

Regardless of any reservations you may have about the story, or its minor resemblances to other movies, the film has actually landed some pretty impressive talent that promises to at least offer decent performances. The current cast includes John Cusack, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Danny Glover, Thandie Newton and Oliver Platt. 2012 will be written, directed and produced by Roland Emmerich.