Need to drop off the kids at the multiplex while you take care of some pre-Thanksgiving “prep”? Or Christmas shopping (sheez, you perfect planners make us all feel like lazy slackers). Well, it’s still a few weeks until FROZEN 2, that Addams clan is going the way of the bags of “fun-size” candies and cardboard witches, and those ARTIC DOGS are racing across the tundra toward home video (seems to be setting records….all the “worst-ever’ ones). How about a nice PG-rated “family-friendly” slapstick comedy? Most kids love those firefighters and their big trucks (in grade school we’d rush to window upon the siren’s wail), and those big larger than life wrestlers. Mix ’em all up with a lovable sloppy dog and three rowdy, mischievous kids and you’ve got the “kiddie matinee fodder’ entitled PLAYING WITH FIRE. But with that name, is there still a big chance that you’ll get burned?
At the start of the story, we’re dropped right into a wildfire blaze alongside a jammed roadway. Luckily, the “smoke jumpers” of the nearby Redding, CA are there. led by heroic, stoic, chiseled, buff Jake ‘Supe’ Carson (John Cena). As the haze begins to clear, he and his men are whisked away via helicopter. Back at HQ, they watch a news report interview with San Diego Fire Commander Richards (Dennis Haysbert) who says that they need more “jumpers” at his bigger, busier main San Diego branch. Jake is stunned to see that most of his guys do indeed jump at the prospect, rushing out the door leaving a trio of loyal firefighters: pilot/cook Rodrigo (John Leguizamo), silent towering “mountain man” Axe (Tyler Mane), and Jake’s good “right hand”, the excitable Mark (Keegan Michael Key), along with a slobbering Mastiff named Masher (no Dalmations). As Jake ponders applying for the soon-retiring Richards’ position, a call comes in on a cabin on fire. Since there’s a major thunderstorm approaching, the quartet heads out, eventually saving a trio of youngsters: adorable three-year-old Zoey (Finley Rose Slater), adventurous impulsive 12-year-old Will (Christian Convery), and their “in charge” teenage sister Bree (Brianna Hildebrand). Returning to the station, she tells Jake that their folks have gone out on a “date”. And since the big storm has hit (blocking cell phone signals, so no word from the parents), they’ll have to “bunk” with the jumpers (lots of newly empty cots there now). They’ll be picked up in the morning, so how much trouble can they get into? And really, it’s just for one night, right?
The cast struggles to bring some depth to the cartoonish “one-note” characters. Cena, so funny in TRAINWRECK and SISTERS, is basically a humorless, stick up his you-know-what, straight man to be the butt of the hi-jinks of his co-workers and the kids. In the opening sequence, he does a nice bit of spoofing his action leading man looks (and he doffs several too-tight but now soiled T-shirts), but mainly he’s there to get things back in order. Key brings his usual high energy to Mark, but he’s doing a variation of his “hyper-focused’ manic sketch roles, a lackluster follow-up to his superb recent work in DOLEMITE IS MY NAME (stream it now). Leguizamo brings a bit of his motor-mouthed street hustler bravado to Rodrigo, but he can’t make the “call back” bits (nobody wants his Spam-infused recipes) work. Mane is intimidating as Axe, but it’s obvious his surly demeanor will melt away to reveal the ole’ ‘softy’ inside. As for the kids, Slater is an onslaught of adorableness, whose twinking eyes cast a spell on all (human and animal) caught in her gaze. Convery gives us a modern riff on the kid “trying to help” disasters of Dennis the Menace and the Little Rascals. And Hildebrand is a convincing “ring leader’, a protecting mini-matriarch who tries to juggle the responsibilities thrust upon her. It’s great to hear Haysbert’s booming authoritative voice, but he’s given little to do in an extended cameo. Always great, but criminally under-utilized is the gifted comic actress Judy Greer brought in as a brainy love-interest for Jake. She has to engage in some silly slapstick (dunked in a pond and drenched in a rainstorm…within minutes), until the kids play “matchmaker” to the bickering (so they must actually like each other) duo, when, as researcher Dr. Amy, she’s not fretting over her rare frogs. The talented Ms. Greer deserves a better showcase for her skills.
Director Andy Fickman can’t keep the pace light and consistent, making the flick lose any zany pep long before the usual “one hour in comedy lull”. Of course, the lackluster predictable script from Dan Ewen and Matt Lieberman (it really took two) should shoulder most of the blame. Even the standard “fireman” gags just fall flat making us recall how they were done with more style and hilarity more than eighty years ago in the classic 3 Stooges short “False Alarms” (they can’t wring laughs from a “snake-like” firehose). Some make give this a pass saying “well it’s PG, so the kids’ll eat it up” (talk about cinema indigestion). With some many witty, creative films aimed at the family market (the recent ADDAMS FAMILY and the returning toys of last Summer), that casual excuse for sloppiness just can’t cut it, especially when the end product came from three (!) studios: Paramount Players, Nickelodeon, and Walden Media. The only winner of this whole debacle may be actor Joe Manganiello who’s at the top of the “special thanks” list in the final end credits. Way to dodge a bullet, dude (perhaps he was to play Jake or Axe)! Unfortunately, audiences risk a nasty retinal scorching (pass the first aid kit) after watching the dreadful PLAYING WITH FIRE.
.5 Out of 4
