Tag: based on a ride

HAUNTED MANSION – Review

And the Summer of product adaptations and remakes continues! Last weekend BARBIE just about blew the doors off the box office and the multiplex in a virtual tsunami of pink perfection. Hey, if a toy can revive the ticket sale doldrums, why not a flick based on a ride from the Disney theme parks? After all, those Caribbean Pirates spurred quite a profitable “tentpole” for the studio. But then there were costly flops like TOMORROWLAND and who remembers THE COUNTRY BEARS (maybe they just needed that “nose candy”). Well, this concept was exploited nearly twenty years ago, so this is also, technically, a remake (without any of the main human characters from the first time). Perhaps the modest success of the other remake a few months ago, THE LITTLE MERMAID, is lifting the “ahem” spirits of the mouse house. So, even though Halloween is months away, are filmgoers in the mood for some scares and laughs in a return stay at the HAUNTED MANSION?


This time out, the story starts with a flashback as we’re on hand for a “meet cute” between research scientist Ben (LaKeith Stanfield) and Alyssa (Charity Jordan) at a New Orleans house party. Then the tale returns to the present day as a now single, and boozy Ben makes a meager living by guiding Big Easy visitors on paranormal tours of the town. Meanwhile, way out of town, a single mother, Gabbie (Rosario Dawson), and her skittish, awkward pre-teen son Travis (Chase Dillon) have taken possession of a big dusty old mansion, hoping to transform it into a quaint “bed and breakfast”. Ah, but it seems that the current undead occupants will have none of that. The duo races to a nearby motel, but the ghosts are “attached” (like gum on the bottom of a shoe). Back in the city, Ben is approached by a local priest named Kent (Owen Wilson). He’s heard that Ben had invented a special camera that captures spectral images when he worked at a big tech lab. With the promise of quick cash, Ben agrees to visit the place. After dismissing their claims, the spirits convince him. To “cleanse” the place, Ben will need “back-up. He and Kent assemble a “dream time”, enlisting a local psychic, Harriet (Tiffany Hadish), and a loopy college historian. Professor Davis (Danny DeVito). But can their combined talents thwart the supernatural forces tormenting the mother and her son?

Unlike the 2003 edition, which seemed to be fashioned as a “star vehicle” for the now (at the time) “family-friendly” Eddie Murphy, the studio has “spread the wealth’ to give us an all-star cast, even tossing in a couple of Oscar-winners (one very recent). Stanfield has opted to try some lighter fare, and he tries to get us invested in the now burnt-out Ben. He puts in an effort, but his story arc is too downbeat. It seems the writers wanted to spark a romance with Dawson’s Gabby, but the dynamic genre staple is giving less to do and spends most of the story looking for his son while fleeing the whispy creeps. Wilson is always entertaining as a motor-mouthed hustler, though the motivations for Keith aren’t too clear. Ditto for the ever-entrancing DeVito who is a cannonball of history trivia bouncing from room to room in panic over meeting his “research subjects”. Haddish conveys a haughty regal demeanor as Harriet when she’s not throwing in a bit of sassy shade as she calculates her cut of this “job”. Oh, the awarded actors include a confined (we mostly just see her face) Jamie Lee Curtis as Madame Leota, the guide in the globe, connecting her to “this side”. And the other pal of Oscar, well I don’t want to spoil it, but as the “hatbox Ghost”, you can barely recognize this “joker” (hint).

Rather than going with an “effects” filmmaker, or an Animator (like Rob Minkoff who helmed the first one), the studio has handed the reins (after “flirting” with Guillermo del Toro) to social satirist Justin Simien (DEAR WHITE PEOPLE, the feature and series), who scores with a couple of nifty spook-filled set pieces, even evoking moments from classic paranormal tales. Unfortunately, even with these comic vets, many of the jokes fall flat. dragging down the pace making the end result a very long wait between the clever nods to the enduring ride (my favorite in the Florida locale). Despite the talented screenwriter behind the 2016 GHOSTBUSTERS all-women reboot (which I will continue to defend), it only inspires a few chuckles as it slowly marches to the big otherworldly “throw-down”. It may be due to some odd choices, especially in the early first meeting between Ben and Gabby, witching from wonky profile close-ups to a truly awkward “hand-held” ending. Plus it’s set in modern times, so why does Gabby dress like an early 60s office clerk while her son could be playing one of Andy Hardy’s school buddies? It just takes us out of the story, True, the scary stuff is toned down for the ‘wee ones, but they may be fast asleep long before many of them appear. I enjoy old creeky houses, but not creeky storytelling which is the real downfall of this HAUNTED MANSION.

2 Out of 4

HAUNTED MANSION is now playing in theatres everywhere

JUNGLE CRUISE – Review

Alrighty, who’s ready for some theme park fun and thrills? What, you say you don’t want to wait in the long lines in the hot, hot sun way too close to possibly infected throngs of people? Oh, and don’t get me started on those inflated parking fees (after traffic jams) and concession prices! Well, how about your favorite ride coming to you.? Well, not exactly, but close by, say the nearby multiplex cinema. That’s part of the thinking behind this weekend’s big, big movie release. Oh, and starting a new franchise (of course). That’s why the “mouse house” has their gloved fingers (and tails crossed). Could they have another PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, or could it go the way of the COUNTRY BEARS (y’know from the Jamboree)? It all depends on how many moviegoers hop aboard this big ole’ JUNGLE CRUISE.


Before we leave port, we’re treated to a mythic prologue all about the “Tears of the Moon”, magical leaves from an also magical tree hidden somewhere on the banks of the Amazon River. It’s said that those ‘tears’ can cure any disease, heal any injury, and ensure immortality. Centuries ago a band of conquistadors led by Aguirre (Edgar Ramirez) invaded the village of the lost tribe that guarded that tree. After fatally stabbing the chief, a curse is placed on Aguirre and his band. They’re swallowed up by the forest, trapped forever in suspended animation. Somehow an arrowhead, essential to the fabled map of the tree’s location, is found and sent to the British Explorers’ Society in 1916. That’s where researcher MacGregor Houghton (Jack Whitehall) pleads with the assembled members to borrow the piece to seek the tree. But he’s just a distraction. His “head-strong ” sister Lily (Emily Blunt) makes her way to the storage area to grab the arrowhead. Turns out she’s just a few steps ahead of a nefarious German prince, Joachim (Jesse Plemons), who has bribed the club’s staff to grab the piece for his country. He shakes his fists as Lily makes a daring escape and heads to South American with her brother in tow. Ah, but once there, she needs to hire river transportation. Luckily she soon meets Frank Wolff (Dwyane Johnson), who’s barely getting by as a cruise guide for tourists, part of a fleet owned by the greedy Nilo (Paul Giamatti). And in lieu of money owed, he’s taken the engine from Frank’s boat. But thanks to Lily’s lock-picking skills, Frank gets said engine back and accepts her generous offer to take them to find the tree, Unfortunately, Joachim is also down there and he’s commanding a submarine. Can Frank help the Houghton siblings locate those magical leaves before he does? And then things get really complicated when Aguirre and his now supernatural soldiers awaken. How will our heroes survive?

Johnson has his charm at full speed as he gleefully spews out a multitude of “groaner’ “dad-jokes” (mostly lifted from the spiel of the guides on the original Disney theme park ride attraction) and makes Frank more than a “hulked-out” Charlie Allnutt (from the now 70-year-old classic THE AFRICAN QUEEN. Though it’s tough to imagine any foe being a physical challenge, his main obstacles are his employers. Of the two, there’s a playful teasing schoolyard banter with Blunt’s Lily who mixes Rose Sayer (from…y’know) and Lara Croft (and maybe a pinch of Poppins). She’s a feisty force for female empowerment, only occasionally in need of rescue, though often a “damsel-in-distress”. Actually, her brother MacGregor, as played by Whitehall, is the panicky “dude-in-distress”, seeming to be in a constant threat of fainting, when he’s not “overpacking” for the excursion. Whitehall’s mainly a comic foil/sidekick, which makes his impassionated mid-film confession seem out of place in this frothy bit of fluff. Still, he’s more endearing than the villainous buffoons that two of our most talented character actors are burdened with. Plemons, so wonderful in GAME NIGHT, preens and prances as the Teutonic twit Joachim, a stereotype more at home in countless WW II two-reelers. Not far behind in the “mugging contest’ is Giamatti, complete with cane, gleaming gold-tooth, and Italian accent (which seems to come and go with the tide) as the always apoplectic Nilo, yet another ineffectual boss (much as in recent misfire GUNPOWDER MILKSHAKE) in his long resume. Nilo’s shaking his fist, as his property is destroyed around him, much as James Finlayson did as the nemesis of Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy. It’s no test for Mr. Giamatti’s considerable talents. The real “bad guy’ menace is provided by Ramirez and company, though their faces are a pallette for lots of flashy CGI gimmickry.

A veteran of several modestly-budgeted Liam Neeson thrillers, director Jaume Collet-Serra goes from the “farm team’ to the “big show” as the “traffic cop” is this frenetic by-product of franchise-frenzy. He’s not given much of a chance to explore the characters before another big action “set piece’ must commence, checked off from the script’s lengthy list of distractions (five writers churned this out). It’s a clunky, noisy mess that tries too hard to mimic vastly superior flicks. I remarked to my screening guest that this was “regurgitated” (maybe “rancid” is more like it) RAIDERS (as in OF THE LOST ARK), while he replied that a better comparison would be to the 1999 take on THE MUMMY (so Raiders twice removed). I remarked that it’s similar to comparing a new sci-fi fantasy to THE ICE PIRATES. And speaking of them, the gnarly, near-unstoppable baddies owe much to the oceanic menaces of the CARIBBEAN series, with one oozing honey and bees, as another shoots slithery CGI snakes out of every orifice. Oh, and the visual effects often seem “slap dashed as a weird glow envelopes the leads as they emote in front of a generated backdrop (almost as bad as those thick black lines in the olden days of rear-projection). And then there’s that cheetah, who would’ve looked phony in any version of Dr. Doolittle. Of course, we’ve got to see some “product placement” as a Perrier sign nearly pops off the screen during the big London stunt shot. The gifted James Newton Howard provides a bombastic score that should have John Williams consulting his legal team. His music gets extra “cutesy” as Frank and Lily taunt each other with the nicknames “Pants” and “Skippy” (this is witty banter). And then much of the suspense erodes away by a deranged “reveal twist” before the big third act (though the flick, like many action epics, has four endings too many). For the most part, the behind-the-scenes artists do a decent job of recreating the 1910’s (now who then would wear a purple velvet jacket like the oafish Joachim), but it’s all in a disparate mishmash of genres and vastly superior older flicks. If this hits, could “It’s a Small World” starring Johnson’s JUMANJI co-stars Kevin Hart and Danny DeVito be in the “pipeline”? “Shudder”. Please no, since this JUNGLE CRUISE has left me quite “green around the gills”. Pass me the quinine, quick!

One-Half Out of 4


JUNGLE CRUISE opens in theatres everywhere and can be streamed via Premier Access on Disney+.