Review: ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’

Big.   Dumb.   Action.   Those three words have been thrown about to explain Summer blockbusters for years now.   Ever since aliens blew up the White House in perfect, Roland Emmerich fashion, and probably much earlier than this, people have forgiven stupidity in these $200+ million-budgeted action movies for the sake of entertainment.

But, what happens when these movies cease to be entertaining?   Michael Bay’s first endeavor into the world of ‘Transformers’ was a blast, a fun-filled and extremely slick movie that had a whole lot more brawn than brains.   The lack of intelligence behind the film’s script and much of the characters in it was forgiven because of how much fun it was.   Even Bay’s typical injection of comedy, something the man is horrendous at, couldn’t take that much away from the overall excitement felt during that film.

With ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,’ Bay’s humor abounds, taking up so much room that it forces out time spent on decent, or even cohesive, action.   Instead of giant robots in monstrously destructive battles in downtown LA, we get dogs humping.   Twice.   Then, later in the film, we get a robot humping a human’s leg.   This is just the start of it all, too.

Storywise, the film takes place two years after the events of the first ‘Transformers.’   The Autobots are now a part of our military, still hidden from the public, but aiding the human race in hunting down and wiping out the remaining Decepticons on the planet.   After killing a particularly massive Transformer, the Autobots are given a warning that The Fallen is coming.   Before too long, a remaining shard of the Allspark has turned up, the Decepticons have re-animated Megatron, and the evil Transformers begin plotting the death of both Optimus Prime and Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf).

Speaking of Sam, most of his side of the story is spent in his early days at College, trying to find time between his classes, Mikaela (Megan Fox), and dealing with the ancient symbols that have begun popping up in his head.   Evidently, Sam’s brain holds a map to the location of a powerful weapon the Decepticons would like to get their hands on.

All of this would be well and good if any of this culminated in a series of epic battles as seen in the first ‘Transformers.’   Granted, much of the action in ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ is on a massive scale, but there is something incredibly hollow about it all that never makes it interesting or even close to being cool.   The CG isn’t any worse than it was in the first film.   When Autobots and Decepticons fight in this film, it is still just as incomprehensible as to what is going on as it was in the first film.   However, while the first film contended with ridiculous comedy elements, it wasn’t the driving force behind the film.   This is exactly what it feels like with ‘Revenge of the Fallen.’

For starters, we have not one, but two Autobots that rival Jar Jar Binks in the annoyance department.   Mudflap and Skids are, at first, two parts of a single Ice Cream truck.   Kind of funny, but completely misplaced in the opening battle sequence.   Later, they split into two, different vehicles, Mudflap turns into a Chevy Trax, Skids into a Chevy Beat.   They are loud, obnoxious, and serve absolutely no purpose to the plot other than to fill in that apparent void of comic relief.   Some have gone so far as to claim the characters are racist.  They talk like young gangsters.   One of them, can’t remember which, has a gold tooth.   They can’t read.   I guess you could make the claim that Mudflap and Skids fall under the racist banner, but, more so than anything else, they are just downright annoying.   I’m so glad Bay decides to give them so much screen time.

Something else that gets way too much screen time is a subplot involving Sam and another girl he meets at college.   Never mind the fact that the outcome of this subplot is completely predictable and absolutely ridiculous.   It could have easily been excised from the film altogether, and the remaining storyline wouldn’t have missed a single beat.

This subplot also punches one of several gigantic plot holes out of the screenplay for ‘Revenge of the Fallen,’ as well.   There are several times throughout the film where you see the opportunities the Decepticons have at taking out Optimus and Sam.   For reasons only known to the screenwriters, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the same, two guys behind the “intelligent” screenplay for ‘Star Trek,’ the evil Transformers decide to sit back and bide their time.   Soundwave is a gigantic Transformer in space who turns into a satellite.   I’m sure a weapon could have been attached to him at some point.   Imagine how effective that would have been in their fight against the humans.   I’m thinking ‘Die Another Day’-level laser beams, here.   Apparently the Decepticons didn’t catch that movie.   At one point, a Decepticon is shown spewing out millions of nanobot Decepticons.   They do one thing in the whole movie, and are never heard from again.   These could have been utilized in the battle against the good guys.   They aren’t and for no other reason than it probably would have been a pretty short battle if they had.

The Fallen, voice by Tony Todd and all, can evidently transport itself to anywhere in the world in the blink of an eye.   What’s more important than that, it can apparently lift millions of tons of military equipment off the ground and drop it all causing monstrous amounts of damage.   However, it only shows up in the film’s final battle in the very last moments, after seemingly hours of intense combat between the Autobots and the Decepticons.   Nice timing, Mr. Fallen.   You’re a true villain of a stupid, stupid film.

But, all of this raises a final question.   Is there anything about ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ worth watching?   Are there any “wow” moments like there were in the first ‘Transformers’?   The answer to that is yes, there are.   The formation of the Devastator in a later section of the film is very cool, and, for once, it gets you in the same giddily excited mood that was achieved by the opening scene of the first ‘Transformers’.   Unfortunately, it, too, along with its swinging wrecking balls, serve to add to the comedy one too many times after its creation.

The final battle sequence revolving around the pyramids of Egypt is stunning.   Bay likes to blow stuff up, and he does it in glorious fashion here.   It is quite annoying that there are dozens of Transformers involved in this final battle, most of which are indistinguishable from one another.   Whenever you see a giant, gray robot getting shot, you don’t know which side is taking it out.   There is never an establishment of sides, place, or even time in this final battle, as explosive as it may be.   Ultimately, it, like so much else with this film, grows mind-numbing and your interest wanes far too early to ever get into it for enjoyment.

There are so many more missed opportunities that can be discussed about ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.’   A middle turn in the story is played up for dramatic effect, but you know it isn’t going to amount to much in the long run.   The relationship between Sam and Bumblebee is there, but, like everything in the film, it just feels empty.   Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson’s returns are only in there for the sake of familiar faces.   So, too, is the return of John Turturro, even though he does offer up some of the film’s only, genuine laughs.   On paper it probably seemed like a good idea to have Rainn Wilson play Sam’s Astronomy professor, but even his scenes dish out cringes from how ridiculously lame they are.   The less said about a small scene involving the Transformers afterlife the better.

‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ is a giant hunk of empty action, a trainwreck of misplaced comedy, and a futile attempt at recapturing the grandeur of the 2007 original.   Linkin Park’s end credits song “New Divide” plays out like “What I’ve Done Pt. 2.”   The same could be said for the entire film against the original, but all the fun has been sapped.   If Bay, LaBeouf, and the rest of the cast and crew return for ‘Transformers 3,’ here’s hoping they are able to find a way of recapturing some of the fun that made ‘Transformers’ such an exciting, Summer movie.   ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ is everything you don’t want in a Summer blockbuster.   It’s big.   It’s loud.   But, most importantly, it’s dull.