Category: DVD Review

DON’T WORRY WE’LL THINK OF A TITLE – The DVD Review

Big kudos to the fine folks at MGM Limited Edition DVD-R! They’ve dug deep in the vaults for a true oddity in the world of cinema and television ( sitcoms, to be more precise ) ! I will tell anyone who asks that my absolute favorite TV situation comedy of all time is that early sixties gem ” The Dick Van Dyke Show” ( desert island, only one TV comedy, no hesitation! ). Well one of the few people with even more admiration and affection for this bit of comic perfection is comedy writer and pop culture master Mark Evanier. One of the sites I’ve bookmarked ( and if you love entertainment  you should too ) is his website/ blog newsfromme.com . In 2007 he alerted his readers to DON”T WORRY WE’LL THINK OF A TITLE was airing on the Turner Classic Movie cable channel. He had seen it with his family while they were vacationing in Pismo Beach in 1966. It was playing on a double bill with WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE WAR, DADDY? He says that unlike that film, TITLE  did not have a professional studio printed poster, but was promoted with a hand lettered sign! That should’ve been a clue to the film’s quality.

This is quite an oddity. I was shocked that Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie had made a feature film toward the end of their time as Buddy Sorrel and Sally Rogers, and I had not heard of it. Well, it’s probably because it’s a tough slog to sit through. What little plot the film has concerns a group of Eastern European spies ( one of those made up, cold war spots ) who believe that Morey’s character is a defecting astronut. The film was shot in 1965 near the end of the Van Dyke series, and dates itself not only with the spy antics, but with a scene set at a college beatnik ( ! ) party. It begins with a caricature of Amsterdam ( maybe drawn by the multi-talented Dick Van Dyke? ) as part of the logo for Courageous Cal Productions ( ? ).The film has the flat look of a one camera sitcom of the era ( the end title says it was shot on the legendary Desilu Studios ) and even employs that wacky sped-up effect that many shows used to balance out some the old, groaner jokes in the script from co-producer/star Amsterdam. The film’s main interest is as a time capsule of TV comics of that era. Morey must have called on many of his pals to stop by for quick cameos, and it’s amazing who he got to show up. We get to see Van Dyke co-stars Richard Deacon ( in a double role as a diner owner and policeman ) and Carl Reiner along with Forrest Tucker, Moe Howard ( solo, sans stooges! ), Cliff Arquette ( as Charley Weaver ), Nick Adams, Milton Berle, Steve Allen, and Irene Ryan ( in her Granny outfit and driving the Clampett truck ). Comic actor Henry Corden ( who soon took over as voice of Fred Flintstone ) shows up as a clumsy spy and an actress named January ( ! ) Jones ( not the “Mad Men ” actress, but perhaps a relative? ) plays Morey and Rose’s diner waitress pal who inherits a bookstore.

The DVD-R is bare bones. Not even a trailer ( was one made?). I was hoping for either a commentary track with the still active Rose Marie, but Evanier reports that she has no fondness for this big screen misfire. Picure and sound quality is sharp and crisp. It’s not a cinema treasure, but if you’re an affeciando of sixties TV ( and of the Van Dyke show ) then you’ll want to add this to your DVD library.

BRIDESMAIDS – DVD Review

Ladies, BRIDESMAIDS is a must see! Grab your girls, BRIDESMAIDS on DVD, and a bottle of wine, because this film is a girls night MUST! Guys, this isn’t just a chick flick!

Annie (Kristen Wiig) is s fun chick that doesn’t really have a lot going for her. Her bakery closed, her boyfriend broke up with her, and she is pretty much broke. Oh, did I mention that she is sleeping with a total asshole named Ted (Jon Hamm) too! The one thing that she does have going for her is best friend since childhood, Lillian (Maya Rudolph). Things really start to go downhill after Lillian asks Annie to be her maid of honor. Clashes with another bridesmaid, a crazy bachelorette party and an incredibly adorable cop are all about to be thrown Annie’s way!

Judd Apatow really outdid himself with this film. I was laughing the entire time. The conversations between Annie and Lillian could easily be a separate movie. Their conversations are raunchy, dirty, and any other word that you can think of for that kind of fun filled language! I do like how they portrayed the character of Annie. In this day and age, it is so easy to see people just settle. They blame their crappy lives on others instead of fighting to change them. That is exactly what Annie does. She accepts her crappy job, car, and booty call… and when something good comes along she runs from it. It sends a nice, understated message behind all of the laughs. Plus, Kristen Wiig is funny, so the message goes down with a spoon full of sugar. The ridiculous bunch of women that they cast for the bridal party only heighten the laughs! Rose Byrne, Wendi McLendon-Covey and Ellie Kemper are all outstanding! Each one of their characters are so vastly different that you never know what is going to happen next. The icing on the bridal party cake is by far Melissa McCarthy. She is phenomenal! Her comedic delivery had me crying with laughter!

Now, for all you boys out there, I will warn you… These ladies talk about some pretty nasty stuff. Then again, I’m desensitized to it since I have a mouth like a sailor. Still, it’s really funny. Just know that their will be some penis jokes at your expense. The main reason that the film got the R rating was based off of the dialogue… well that and the overall sexual content! Needless to say, don’t bring your kids to this!

You don’t have to just look forward to the movie though, the bonus features are well worth the purchase of this movie! Although, the one thing that was kind of a letdown was that the Blu-Ray has almost triple the amount of bonus features, which is why I say that you might want to grab it on Blu-Ray instead. The lack of behind the scenes footage on the DVD is a let down. Still, the bonus features on the DVD are funny!

The picture isn’ t the most mind blowing, but this is a comedy. I don’t think anyone is looking for insane effects and visuals while watching this Theatrical 2.35:1 – Anamorphic Widescreen 2.40:1 video. Same with the audio. The audio is consistent and clear, just nothing over the top. The audio is presented in English Dolby Digital 5.1/DVS Dolby Digital 2.0, and Spanish and French Audio Dolby Digital 5.1.

DVD Bonus Features Include:
  • FEATURE COMMENTARY: With director Paul Feig, co-writer Annie Mumolo and cast members Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Melissa McCarthy, Wendi McClendon-Covey, and Ellie Kemper. With this cast, the commentary is rather entertaining. If you are looking for technical talk, you won’t find it here. Instead, they reminisce about moments on set and share personal stories. They tend to talk over each other a bit, but it’s still entertaining.
  • GAG REEL: Definitely one of the better gag reels out there. They really put some funny footage in here.
  • LINE-O-RAMA: Another AWESOME feature. This feature shows the ladies delivering a different line with each take… and let me tell you, there are a ton of funny ones that they could have used. It gets vulgar, but that’s part of the fun!
  • DELETED SCENES: The deleted scenes that they included are hilarious to watch, such as one with Paul Rudd, that was completely cut out. The scenes don’t really add to the film, hence they were cut. Still, they are a real treat to watch!
  • EXTENDED AND ALTERNATIVE SCENES: Again, funny scenes to watch, but they would have slowed the pace of the film.
  • CHOLODECKI’S COMMERCIAL: Check out what’s new with Cholodecki’s with this never-before-seen “commercial” from Annie’s jewelry employer. This is a fun little bonus that stars Michael Hitchcock.
  • UNRATED VERSION: There is nothing really special about the unrated version. All of the added material can be found in the above features, and doesn’t really add to the film. You are much better off sticking with the theatrical version.

So, if you are going to buy this film, which I recommend… spring for the Blu-Ray copy. It has the above listed humor, as well as some behind the scenes footage, a full performance of “HOLD ON”, and a feature based on Kristen Wigg’s greatest drunk plane moments!

OVERALL DVD RATING: 3.75 out of 5 stars

MOVIE RATING: 5 out of 5 stars

 

 

 

 

Blu-Ray Review: SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD

Review by Stephen Jones

If any movie this year was bound to have a great home release, it was SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD. In spite of its disappointing theatrical run, I think everybody expects it to do well in the long run thanks to its target audience being exactly the sort of people who turn box office bombs into DVD hits. The Blu-ray definitely does’t disappoint. Better movies have come out this year, and better movies are already on DVD and Blu- Ray, but this is the one I picked up before anything else.

I’ll start with the movie, but I’ll try and keep it brief. It’s a crazed, hyperkinetic mash-up of comic books and video games and the sort of people who obsess over both. It serves as sort of a microcosm of the geek/hipster subculture, so whatever your particular ‘thing’ is, it’s represented in some capacity in this film. Sadly, I think one of the best things about Scott Pilgrim might be one of the things keeping a lot of people from seeing it; Michael Cera. I hear a lot of complaints that he plays the same sort of character over and over, and to a degree that’s true. Okay, it’s just flat-out true. But not in this one. He’s not a nice, demur geeky guy. He’s actually kind of a douche, playing up a false persona of exactly what Cera has been typecast in order to pick up chicks. He also, in addition to a lot of the other cast members, carries himself surprisingly well in the action sequences, for whatever that’s worth. It’s a ton of fun, the characters are great, and it’s just flat-out a well made movie, one of the best of the year.

The transfer is outstanding. It may not have looked like it from the trailers or TV spots, but this film needed a great transfer just like SIN CITY needed a great transfer. All the over-the-top stylization is sharp and clear, the video game and comic book effects pop, and whenever the bulk of the screen is black (which does happen a few times) it looks great. The sound is just as good. There’s a lot of voice over, musical numbers, crowd scenes, and the mix is loud and clear. The dialogue is audible without the big loud scenes blowing out the speakers, which is a problem a lot of films like this tend to run into.

The bonus features are where it all really shines, though. Behind the scenes features for pretty much every aspect of the film, all the weblogs and the Cartoon Network short, four commentary tracks (two cast, one crew, and one with Wright and the creator of the Pilgrim comics), music videos, bloopers, deleted scenes, they really did go all-out for the Blu-ray. The DVD itself has decidedly fewer bonus features, which is a shame, but it does still include all the commentary tracks. It’s more expensive, but between the two I have to recommend going with the Blu-ray, especially since it comes with the DVD anyway, so get it even if you don’t have a player yet.

DVD Review: UNEARTHED

Review by Stephen Jones —

I think the most reassuring thing about UNEARTHED is that it came out in 2004, and I’m only hearing about it now. That means it’s a fairly obscure movie, and that it isn’t likely to be very widely seen. Of all the tragically overlooked movies of the past decade, this is one that deserves every bit of its obscurity. It’s currently available on Netflix instant, and some of the more inexorable video stores might have the DVD available to rent or to buy, but honestly the best thing to do is to avoid this movie altogether.

The movie follows a few different plots going on at once, primarily involving an archaeology professor who unearths an artifact during a dig in the middle of a Floridian city. The dig is under frequent threats to get shut down by a slimy CEO type to put a building on the site, in a series of developments that left me with fond memories of the Super Mario Brothers movie. Meanwhile a pair of detectives (one of whom is played by Tom Savini) investigates a series of shootouts involving homeless people. There’s also an alien who is after the artifact for reasons that are never really well explained.

There are few redeeming qualities about this movie. The makeup effects are downright impressive at times given how low the budget must’ve been. There’s also something of a twist involving the mysterious gun-toting character that I won’t give away, but was actually pretty refreshing considering he was otherwise a fairly stock character that even good movies tend to use in the exact same way. Unfortunately the good is surrounded by awful acting, shoddy sound work, and amateurish direction, and even the best things about it aren’t remotely good enough to make up for the rest.

The fact that this is a low budget, straight to video movie isn’t the reason not to see it. I stress that because there are plenty of movies that don’t get good releases and are made for no money that turn out to be excellent. UNEARTHED isn’t bad because of its budget, it’s bad because Craig Kovach wrote a terrible, cliché ridden script with underdeveloped characters and plots. None of the characters are appealing, the action scenes are dull, the monsters aren’t scary, and the story amounts to absolutely nothing. I take back what I said earlier about it being reassuring that it took six years for me to hear about UNEARTHED. I don’t think six years is long enough.

DVD Review: PLANET HULK

PLANET HULK is yet another entry in the long line of straight to DVD/Blu-ray, animated features starring famous comic book characters in stories that might be a little too big for a studio to actually pull off with a live action format. They give fans stories they want and are usually pretty good. This time around writer Greg Pak’s story PLANET HULK is translated right from the comics onto film and it’s actually pretty good.

The PLANET HULK saga was a comic book arch a few years ago about The Hulk being shot into space by a group of super heroes who thought Hulk was just too dangerous to have around. When the film starts, Hulk is already on a rocket heading out into space and is awoken with the news that Iron Man, Namor, Black Bolt, Mister Fantastic, Doctor Strange, Black Panther, and even Professor X are the people responsible. Hulk of course smashes the ship, sending it off course. Hulk wakes up on a planet where he finds he’s weaker than normal and is soon captured by an imperialist society that forces him to compete in a series of  gladiatorial  games.  That’s right, PLANET HULK is pretty much Hulk meets GLADIATOR.

There’s of course more to it than that. Hulk is the main character here with Bruce Banner never showing up once during the film. This is all Hulk all the time. Hulk soon finds himself teamed up with a resistance that wants to take down the ruler of the planet known as The Red King, but Hulk wants nothing to do with it. The movie soon turns into a story of brotherhood and loyalty as Hulk finds that in order to really survive he has to team up with a group of aliens who think he might be “the chosen one” who can take down Red King.

As you can see it’s not a very deep story and mostly relies around the idea of Hulk smashing large enemies in an arena and that’s just fine. This isn’t a story that would wow people anyway. What you really want to see is the alien on alien violence and green blood spray as swords are slicing through different bug like creatures. It’s not hard core violent, but it’s enough to earn the film it’s PG-13 rating.

Director Sam Liu has a history with these kinds of films, adapting the often homo-erotic SUPERMAN/BATMAN: PUBLIC ENEMIES and the Thor portion of Hulk Vs. He knows how to trim the fat from the source material and give you a lean story that works in the time constraints these movies have, but some how I felt like PLANET HULK was missing something. Then I realized it’s really half a story. As a movie it stands on it’s own, but as an  interpretation of a comic book it falls apart in the last act and doesn’t really finish the story. This of course leaves room for a sequel (which I am hoping for), but at only 80 minutes it feels like they could have padded this out a little bit more with the content from the books.

The animation in PLANET HULK is good, much better than some of the releases from Marvel and Lionsgate, but by no means does this film blow anything away. It’s slightly better than a Saturday morning cartoon, and below something Disney would release as a DVD. There’s absolutely no reason to get this film on Blu-ray. That would definitely be overkill. The voice acting is about par all the way across. Hulk delivers his lines gravely and is played well by Rick D. Wasserman while other characters like the alien/bug Miek is given an overly annoying and simple performance by Sam Vincent. Over all it just feels like Marvel can’t pull in the voice talent that DC can.

PLANET HULK is a good entry into this series of movies, handles it’s source material well, making smart choices by replacing some characters with others, and giving a very fun but basic story. It’s by no means ground breaking and it’s animation won’t hold up in a few years (making me wonder why they haven’t switched to CGI yet), but over all it’s not bad. It’s worth a rental for sure.

DVD Review: AMERICAN PIE: THE BOOK OF LOVE

american pie book of love

Why I kept watching the AMERICAN PIE series after the third film was beyond me. They all involved a member of the Stiffler family, and were all terrible. But for the first time since AMERICAN WEDDING, the series takes an upturn with a smaller, funnier film that only has a few truly dumb hiccups along the way.

THE BOOK OF LOVE is the first film since the original that doesn’t follow a member of the Stiffler family, and for that it deserves some credit. The Stiflers are obnoxious characters and every single one of them is just doing a bad impression of Seann William Scott’s performance of the original. It’s like they exist in some weird universe where every member of the family acts the exact same way, which is something I don’t think anyone can really relate to. The focus this time is on Rob (Bug Hall) and his buddies Lube (Youtube celebrity Brandon Hardesty) and Nathan (Kevin M. Horton).

The three guys are back in the same place our main characters were in the first film. This is a simple story about three guys trying to get laid. Bug Hall really does a great job of playing a regular guy who isn’t a jerk, but can make mistakes and he’s honestly funny. His intro actually got a chuckle out of me, and I let down my guard and legitimately enjoyed the film. Rob’s goal during the film is to get with his good friend Heidi (rookie actress Beth Behrs). When Rob finds out she’s a virgin he sort of makes a strange pact with her that they’ll have sex and be each other’s firsts. At a school’s luau themed dance they plan to meet in the library to have the big moment, but when he shows up she’s already there with another guy… the shock of the moment causes rob to fumble with a torch he stole from the party and that causes a fire in the library, which in turn causes the sprinkler system to go off, which in turn ruins may books.

Of course Rob and Heidi are forced to clean up the mess after they’re caught, Heidi shirtless, and Rob obviously the cause of the trouble. While Rob is cleaning up everything he discovers… The Bible. No not the Genesis to Revelations book, but rather the book we know from the earlier films! That’s right, this AMERICAN PIE actually has a plot device that ties into the other films, rather than being a cheap cash in on the AMERICAN PIE name! It’s almost like they hired a writer who knew what he was doing… oh that’s right they DID!

This is the first film of the straight to DVD AMERICAN PIE films to be written by a person who wrote any of the original trilogy. This time around it’s David H. Steinberg who wrote the story for AMERICAN PIE 2, which while not as good as the first, was definitely better than AMERICAN WEDDING, and leagues above the rest. His touch brings the spirit of the film back to where the first two films were.

The plot Steinberg comes up with involves Rob and his friend’s trying to figure out how to get laid by deciphering the ruined pages of The Bible, but soon find that without everything in the book in perfect condition, much of the advice is terrible on it’s own and they set out to repair it, starting with the first guy who wrote in it, Noah Levenstein played once again by Eugene Levy.

The supporting cast is pretty good too, Brandon Hardesty’s first performance in a film is a little too Jonah Hill-esque but it’s still very funny at times. His character is often trying to trick women into sleeping with him and he’s always fantasizing about any hot girl just standing by him. These fantasies are often hot and extremely funny. As for Kevin Horton, he’s more of the stable reliable friend.

Sadly the worst part of this movie is anything involving Stifler, played by John Patrick Gordon, who’s constantly doing a bad impression of the Seann William Scott original once again. I legitimately hated him, which is supposed to be the point, but I’d prefer if he was cut from the film entirely. There have been so many different people playing a Stifler family member that they all blend together now

But when it comes to AMERICAN PIE there’s always been one thing that the films are about and a reason many young men set out to see them and that’s the sex, the nudity and the gross out humor and it’s all here. Many of the women are INSANELY beautiful, and sure high school students with breast implants are a rarity in the real world, but this is the world of AMERICAN PIE! It’s about as far from real as STAR WARS. School trips with strip poker and no teachers don’t happen in real life, but you can dream right?

THE BOOK OF LOVE isn’t a perfect movie, and by no means should you run out and buy it, but if you rent it, catch it on cable, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. For the first time it actually feels like the AMERICAN PIE torch has been passed on to a future generation of characters that are actually likable. There are some some what familiar faces and relatives of characters like the incredibly beautiful Nadia from the original’s cousin, who is equally as beautiful and has a terrible accent just like Shannon Elizabeth (what happened to her?!) I give AMERICAN PIE PRESENTS: THE BOOK OF LOVE a very remarkable 3 out of 5 stars. Against all odds director John Putch (SCRUBS) and the AMERICAN PIE series made a decent comedy.

Review: WATCHMEN: ULTIMATE CUT

watchmen ultimate cut

It’s been less than a year since WATCHMEN hit the big screen and already we’re seeing our third cut of the film, and easily the most expansive. I’ll start off by saying this is a review of the film, not of the DVD/Blu-ray and all of it’s bonus features. I’ve seen every cut of the film to date and I felt that at this point, only a few months after the last release it’d be important to know if this is the version of the film to own or not, and whether or not you should buy it if you already own the last version. Take that into mind when reading this and I think you’ll see where I’m coming from.

WATCHMEN is the comic book movie that nobody said could be done. It was too story heavy, too big and ambitious, and too complex for a main stream audience. Some of that is still true. Watchmen exists in a world that asks, “What if superheroes really existed?” And then proceeds to give us an amazing vision into that reality with a band of characters all incredibly unique, memorable and in some cases incredibly naked. President Nixon has been elected into office five times, won Vietnam, and through a law known as “The Keen Act” he’s made being a super hero illegal. And that’s what makes Watchmen so unique. Rather than tell the origin story of this super hero team like most comic book stories, we’re learning about the end of super heroes, about their last stand, and about how they live their lives when they’re no longer the young people they once were.

Instead a film dedicated to their origin, we get one of the best opening credit sequences ever where we see the history of superheroes through the years. Placed into some of the most important moments in history, and putting some twists on very iconic images, the film establishes it’s world with a simple montage instead of a long drawn out narrative. Each of these heroes after all is an approximation of heroes that we already know and love.

hose characters being Night Owl II (Patrick Wilson), who desperately needs to find some meaning to his life. Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman), who took the part of the Spectre after her mother forced her into it. Dr Manhattan (Billy Crudup),  the only character with true super powers. Ozymandias (Matthew Goode), the smartest man in the world. The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), a man who is as evil as he is good. And finally we have Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley),  who steals the entire film with a performance that is exactly what fans of the source material would want.

Right away we’re introduced to an old, aging Comedian, retired, in a robe, making some tea and in a flash he’s gone as a stranger breaks into his house and murders him by tossing him out of a high rise window. That leads Rorschach, the only hero to break the law and not pay attention to The Keen Act, believing that some one is out to kill super heroes. This investigation leads him to a plot that could bring the entire world to it’s knees.

One of the biggest treats in the film is Dr Manhattan and his entire story, which could have been a film in and of itself. Manhattan’s story is a dark and somber one about loss of self that comes with understanding the world down to the molecules that make up everything. He’s an infinitely powerful being that’s only attachment to the world is his love, Silk Spectre II. He’s grown detached from humanity, so much so that he doesn’t seem to understand the need for clothing, as he feels no guilt. I wouldn’t either if I were built like him, but still. His story is perfect.

In the Ultimate Cut of WATCHMEN we are treated to glimpses of a comic book that a character is reading by a news stand. The book is TALES OF THE BLACK FREIGHTER. It’s animated story of Survival told by one character played by Gerard Butler. This story is interesting in it’s own right. A man lost at sea desperately trying to get back to his family after his ship is destroyed by a mysterious dark and evil vessel. It’s gruesome, gory and at times incredibly well animated. It has a comic book feel but at times some parts feel out of place. In the comics the narration is side by side with the panels, narrating both events in perfect harmony. Here the parts are used to bookend certain parts of the film like chapters, giving a glimpse of the type of story up ahead.

Even better are the added scenes involving the news stand vendor and the boy reading the comic add a feel that the WATCHMEN world is much bigger. They give a bit of the man on the street feel to all these important events. Their scenes are right out of the comics and are very welcome additions.

With all the new scenes, the animated features, and the extended moments the film can feel a little heavy. It really does push this film into the epic category. The running time is over three and a half hours. That’s a lot for a comic book movie. But it all feels complete. Some of the acting isn’t as good as one might like. Malin Akerman’s Silk Spectre is down right dreadful most of the time, but it’s leveled off with other actors giving brilliant performances, like Jackie Earl Haley and Billy Crudup, who often steal the show. Gerard Butler’s grizzled voice lends a lot of pathos to the animated moments and the pacing is never slow or boring. Any gripes one would have had with the first film should be taken care of (save the switched out ending). But the movie works all around.

Seeing WATCHMEN’s Ultimate Cut is an endeavor you can’t always take on. It’s not a movie you can just pop on at any time. It’s like the LORD OF THE RINGS and their extended editions. You get a fuller more fleshed out movie and world, but at the cost of time. If you own the original cut you may want to hang on to it for casual watching, and still have this on call for when you want to sink into the Watchmen world and be fully taken it’s world.

With the Ultimate Edition get a lot of bonus features as well including a huge audio commentary just for this version, the entire motion comics, several bonus features including the UNDER THE HOOD short film that came with the Black Freighter Blu-ray/DVD, and a digital copy of the original threatrical version of the film. It’s a lot to take in considering the Motion Comics alone could run about half the price of the blu-ray edition. It’s a very definitive edition over four blu-ray discs. And it all looks gorgeous.

DVD Review: STAN HELSING

stan helsing

It’s very easy to hate a movie like this. It might as well be part of the SCARY MOVIE series, only it’s no where near as clever. Stan Helsing (Steve Howey)  is a stoner, douche bag, video store clerk who happens to be the descendent of Van Helsing, the famous monster killer that took out Dracula. On Halloween night several of films most famous monsters come to kill him, but first Stan has to drop off some tapes to the owner of the video store’s mother. Along the way they run into a lot of creepy people, but eventually get lost and trapped in a small cursed town where monsters come out after midnight. Now Stan has to save the people of the town, his friends, and live up to his destiny. Oh and he has to do it in a very terrible comedy with almost no laughs.

I honestly hated everything about this movie and had a very VERY hard time sitting through it. It’s jut on the cusp of seemingly like anyone actually tried. It’s several performances that are just bland and boring all around. The villains are bad rip offs of Pin Head, Leatherface, Freddy, Michael Myers and some others and they’re all idiots. What’s worse are there are moments that literally make no sense. One character comes out of the bathroom, did a costume change and then says “…does my vagina make me look fat?” To which the two men in the group start ranting and raving and then say no. It has nothing to do with anything, and you don’t see a vagina at all. It’s just awkward and unfunny. If they had panned down and she had some monstrous camel toe I might have understood.

Every single joke in this film fell flat. The only thing I laughed at was Leslie Neilsen’s appearance. It was surprisingly funny because he acted like a complete jerk. Most of the time Neilsen’s appearance in one of these films involves him playing some one slightly dumber than everyone around him. Here he’s sharp, witty and very biting. Nice change of pace. I guess it would have been redundant to have him playing a moron around an entire cast of people acting like morons.

You can’t really be surprised by how awful STAN HELSING is as a film. Director Bo Zenga has no directorial experience and is one of the writers on SOUL PLANE.  SOUL PLANE is one of the worst movies of all time and I’d have thought that anyone involved with creating it would have been banished from making more films. Sadly this isn’t the case. Zenga’s also responsible for writing STAN HELSING which explains the lack of any kind of humor.

DVD Review: THE TOURNAMENT

the tournament

THE TOURNAMENT is one of those films where the premise is so corny and overplayed that it’s strengths have to come from it’s execution. Luckily The Tournament doesn’t disappoint and is actually something of a gem. In the world of films about televised or secret death matches between over the top badasses THE TOURNAMENT stands out for having a great cast and some of the better, bloodier and more interesting action moments ever.

The Tournament itself happens every seven years, when the world’s best assassins all gather together in one random small town to do battle until one is left standing and is declared the best assassin in the world. I think the winner gets a giant pile of money as well, but that’s never made clear. Each Assassin is outfitted with a tracking device so the other killing sociopaths know exactly where to go, keeping the insanity to a clean 24 hours. OH and the trackers are explosives, so if there are too many people left alive at the end of the day, BOOM!

This time around a civilian is brought into the mix when a Frenchman (played by one of the creators of parkour/free running, Sebastien Foucan) cuts out his tracker and places it in a coffee pot. This is when it’s swallowed by alcoholic priest Father Macavoy (played by Robert Carlyle). Now this washed up, hung over shambled priest has to figure out how to stay alive when the world’s best are trying to kill him. Luckily he has Kelly Hu playing a very sexy trained killer named Lai Lai Zhen. Hu seems exceptionally buxom in this role… but that’s got NOTHING to do with the story… just makes her that much more interesting to watch. Her fight scenes are top notch though, as are most in the film.

Also being a complete and total badass is Ving Rhames as Joshua Harlow, a man who was once retired at the top of his game, but is now pulled back in when the murderer of his wife is pulled into the competition. He’s out for revenge and looks damn cool while he’s there.

I can’t lie about somethings this film has that you’ll see coming a mile away and you’ll just have to suspend your disbelief for. Of course the entire small town is wired up with HD video cameras that are part of some safety network and of course two really smart computer hackers who live off red bull and talk like they’re from a Diablo Cody film have hacked into the system and are letting the gambling billionaires see who’s winning everything. Basically they have my dream job and are the nerds everyone like me (IT Majors) wants to be.

Where the movie falters is just that it’s a played out idea and the budget isn’t nearly big enough to make all the effects look as good as they probably should. Thank god most of the gore is practical effects and the movie relies on very little CGI. There is one scene that completely took me out of the experience involving a montage of murder done to a sweet song. It’s very over the top and comedic but doesn’t fit the rest of the film at all and doesn’t do anything to push the narrative forward.

I can’t help but wish this film was getting a very wide theatrical release here in the US because it’s worth it. Sure it doesn’t have any A-list stars, but the cast here is amazing and the characters are very memorable.

DVD Review: SUPERMAN/BATMAN: PUBLIC ENEMIES

superman batman public enemies

I’m going to jump right in and tell you that I hate the animation style of this movie. I prefer the clean lines of Batman The Animated Series to the subpar character work of this movie. If you don’t have the budget to make it look better than a Saturday Morning Cartoon, then go for style instead of clarity. It’s just that simple. That doesn’t mean the movie is bad, just not as pretty as I’d like it.

The Public Enemies story is about a world where Lex Luthor becomes the president of the United States of America, and ends up outlawing caped crusaders unless they come work for him. Lex’s group of Heroes includes Black Lightning, Power Girl, Katana, Starfire, Major Force and Captain Atom… if you’re not familiar, then don’t worry, Power Girl is the most famous, and not because she’s a great super hero but because of other assets.

The real story starts when a meteor the size of a small country is headed for earth in a week. The entire thing is made of Kryptonite. Luthor has a genius plan to destroy the meteor with a new enormous missile, but claims that he needs to meet with Superman just incase they need a back up plan. His real goal is to trick Superman into a fight with new Secret Service agent, Metallo, who’s powered by a Krytonite core, evening the playing field between the two. A large battle ensues with Batman coming to Superman’s rescue, Metallo gets away, but is soon found dead. Superman is framed for the crime and Luthor puts a bounty on his head for 1 billion dollars.

Superman and Batman embark on a mission to clear Superman’s name, stop the giant meteor from hitting earth, and try to stay alive while super villains from all over the DC universe try to take Superman out for the bounty. It’s definitely a good story… at least in theory. The execution, especially in the second half is so bad that it becomes laughable.

Comic books have a level of well… comicness they can get away with before an adult, no matter how big of a fan, starts to just laugh and remark on how stupid what they’re watching truly is. This came in the last act for me. The entire film started to break down into action sequence after action sequence, which can be fine, but that means you’re missing out on what could be the bets Batman detective story of all time. Batman having to prove Superman isn’t a criminal? Well you can see how cool that could be right? Instead that entire plot line is almost completely thrown away, Batman is never really a “public enemy” and we get one of the douchiest moments I’ve seen in these films…

Much of the dialogue in Public Enemies are cliches that feel like they’re out of a bad Schwarzenegger film. To top that off, most of the banter between Batman and Superman comes off more than a little homo-erotic, and very catty. If they spoke like this on the big screen people wouldn’t openly moan at how bad it is. Even Kevin Conroy, who IS BATMAN can’t save this film.