So this will be cleverly titled Step Up 3D. Ahh … the makerting genius! Honestly, if tickets were on sale today for this movie I would rush right out and drive off a cliff to make it look like I was on my way to buy tickets for this film.
STOP!
The Gingerdead Man
Cast & Credits
Millard Findlemeyer: Gary Busey
Sarah Leigh: Robin Sydney
Written by William Butler, Domonic Muir, August White
Directed by Charles Band
Running time: 70 minutes
Unrated
Millard Findlemeyer (Busey) is a ruthless killer who comes back to life in the form of a murderous gingerbread man, so he can have revenge on the victim that got away, Sara Leigh (Sydney).
The back of the DVD box informs you that Millard Findlemeyer kills Sara Leigh’s family, but she lives, and “During the trial, Sara’s testimony sends Millard to the electric chair and his ashes are sent to his mother. In a vow of revenge, Millard’s mother mixes her son’s ashes with a secret gingerbread cookie mix, which makes its way into Sara Leigh’s bakery.â€
It’s a good thing I read that blurb, because you don’t actually see any of that happen. What you see is:
It’s just an assembly line of scenes with no consideration for plot or character. Or intelligence. Exposition? What is that?
Ugh.
The Gingerdead Man was released – direct-to-video – on November 8, 2005. It was directed by Charles Band and written by Domonic Muir and August White, from a story by William Butler.
IMDB credits Band as having directed thirty-two movies. This film represents the latter end of that thirty-two films and has all the wonderment of a fetid turd. How can a movie about a killer cookie with the voice of Gary Busey be so, so bad? It is emotionally flat, poorly staged and boring.
What the hell happened to the Charles Band that directed Doctor Mordrid? I mean, that movie didn’t win any Oscars but it was entertaining. Better yet, what happened to the Charles Band that produced From Beyond, Dolls, Puppet Master and The Pit and the Pendulum (1991)? You would think that after producing 236 films, give or take, you would learn something about quality control.
This movie, this concept, if given a little time to bake (Ha!)†¦ it could’ve been something truly bizarre, a real midnight movie. In reality, it’s more like an endurance test. Can you will yourself to watch it all the way through?
On a positive note, I have always enjoyed Gary Busey and, honestly, his presence was the key reason for my interest in this movie. Unfortunately, Busey is only in the movie for a couple of minutes, the rest is just uninspired dialogue for a goddamn cookie.
Another positive note is in the execution of the title character, Gingerdead Man. John Carl Buechler is the special effects man responsible for the creation of the little guy, and Mark Andrews was the head puppeteer. Buechler is a seasoned effects man, having worked on crazy stuff like From Beyond, Friday the 13th Part VII, Nightmare on Elm Street 4Â and Carnosaur. Most recently, Buechler was responsible for the gruesome stuff in Hatchet. Andrews is no slouch either, having racked up numerous credits in just a couple of years.
It is always a shame to see talented people waste their time. Don’t get me wrong, I knew this wasn’t going to be great by any means, but I was kind of hoping for a decent piece of trash cinema.
Avoid this ocular rape.
Side note(s):
Domonic Muir, one of Gingerdead Man’s three credited writers, also worked on the screenplay to Critters. Who wants to take bets on when that movie gets a remake?
Oh, and The Gingerdead Man has a sequel coming out this year.
The Fantastic Four (1994) was produced by b-movie legend Roger Corman (The Terror, Carnosaur) and directed Oley Sassone (Bloodfist III). [On a side note, Roger Corman demands respect in his own right. Even though his movies usually suck, the man has over 380!!! projects to his credit as producer. That’s insane … and he’s still working on more!] Anyway, so I guess you’ve figured out by now that I’m not talking about Fantastic Four (2005) or Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007). Of course, many of you may be thinking I could be, as I probably enjoyed both a little more than the average movie-goer. No, I’m talking about the original attempt made before the time of CGI, which plays a huge role in why this movie sucks so bad. The movie was never released in theaters, or on VHS, or on DVD … EVER! So, how do I know it’s so bad? Shhh … a little birdie dropped an ‘unofficial’ VHS copy on my doorstep a couple years ago. Out of pure curiosity, I watched it. Well, I learned my lesson. I’ve seen Sci-Fi Channel original movies that only air after midnight that are more enjoyable than this.
In this ‘original’ version, the Fantastic Four take on both Doctor Doom and the Mole Man, along with several mean old henchmen who apparently all thought they were cast as Doctor Doom, because they were all dressed in basically the same costume. Let me see how well I can paint you a picture (because this movie doesn’t exist, right?) The Thing, aka Ben Grimm, actually isn’t a terrible design, considering they could only use makeup, but it’s still laughable. Invisible Girl disappears brilliantly via cheap 1980’s video dissolve effects. Mister Fantastic stretches like, twice … and only his arm. Let me explain. Imagine a stiff slinky, one that will expand but still stay straight. Now, put a really long shirt sleeve on it, but bunch it up so it looks ‘normal’ until stretched. Oh no! Invisible girl has fallen! In a moment of pure heroic effort, Mister Fantastic stretches his slinky arm out to catch Invisible Girl. Yes, I just described a pivotal scene from the movie. Makes you want to jump out of your seat and search youtube, huh? Go ahead, it’s there. Human Torch, aka Johnny Storm, is a complete dork in this version. I’m not sure how they got it wrong (I mean, there’s only over 400 issues of the Fantastic Four comic book), but he’s not cool or daring at all. In fact, he’s a big wiener. If you do decide to brave this movie, do so out of curiosity and prepare yourself for the worst, because that’s what you’ll get.
[I have to end on a positive note: Marvel is working on a Silver Surfer spin-off movie and, while it may be a while, it looks as though they have Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) attached to direct. If this does happen, expect a super-awesome movie!]
Meet the Spartans reminds me of the good old days, when spoofs were an art-form and actually made you laugh because they were funny. I feel the golden age of parodies has past. No longer will films like Blazing Saddles and Airplane grace our high-definition, multiplex, digital projection screens. The ill-mannered step-children such as Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans now fill their large and intimidating shoes.
Poor Kevin Sorbo. I will proudly admit my past of partaking in regular viewings of the television series Hercules, but I feel we need to throw the man a bone. Aside from Carmen Electra (and we all know why she was cast), Sorbo is the biggest name on this bill. Unfortunately, I feel it’s not true to his level. While watching MTS, I couldn’t help but notice the honest underlying need he had for a break. His performance was actually not hard to watch, and I’m not speaking of his painted on abs. I am convinced that Sorbo can actually act, given the chance.
Speaking of the Carmen factor, Ms. Electra seems to be the favored actress for spoof films. I can only assume it’s due to the healthy balance of her, well… let’s call them ‘attributes’, combined with her knack for portraying a bad actress. Joining her is Nicole Parker (Mad TV), the only other female cast member of note. Her woman-of-1000-faces performance includes Paris Hilton (who also seems to be a staple of modern parodies), Brittney Spears, Paula Abdul and Ellen DeGeneres.
Rounding out the cast of comedic anomalies are Diedrich Bader (Drew Carey Show), Ken Davitian (Borat), Method Man and of course Sean Maguire as Leonidas. I will refrain from suggesting there is a complete lack of genuine comedy in MTS, but it is sparsely scattered throughout the film. Most of the laughter generated by the movie is more accurately described as that embarrassing giggle or chuckle that hesitantly slips out, the volume of which is determined by the consolidated level of laughter observed from the remaining audience. Essentially, this is a survival mechanism employed to not look or sound foolish laughing outright at something you are only partially convinced is actually funny.
Dragon Wars is Korean director Hyung-rae Shim’s first attempt at an American blockbuster. ‘Attempt’ being the key word here. For some reason, this movie got an enormous amount of advertising and publicity when entering theatres. Furthermore, I found that the DVD release of Dragon Wars received no less attention as its theatrical release. Honestly, I cannot determine whether its a matter of blind optimism on the part of the distributors or a blatant attempt to muster up whatever additional revenue they can from unsuspecting movie-watchers.
I resisted seeing this movie for as long as I could, but there is a point where curiosity wins. As it turns out, curiosity does kill that cat… and the attention span of one viewer who normally can rough out even the worst schlock-ridden wastes of celluloid. First of all, I believe its important to understand one tiny bit of the director’s history; he’s spent virtually his entire career making Asian comedies. Now, suddenly, he’s metamorphosed into a director of a big-budget, American monster movie blockbuster. I don’t think so. Dragon Wars did garner a few laughs, but not intentionally. The laughter is merely the audience throwing their hands up in the air and giving up.
The script is full of plot holes and embarrassingly bad dialogue. The acting… well, let’s leave the actors alone. An actor can only work with what they have and this script doesn’t offer much. In an attempt to address the barrage of Internet hoopla surrounding Dragon Wars special effects, I give them some credit for not totally sucking. The effects are actually a par above the average Sci-Fi Channel original movie grade of CGI, but that’s all. While they do look good, they are often poorly rendered or poorly integrated into the scenes. Aside from this, and this is the only positive attribute of the film, Dragon Wars is mostly difficult to watch, unless you enjoy watching bad movies. If so, enjoy!
[rating:1/5]
DVD Details:
First let me say that I should have known better. From reading all of the negative, horrible reviews and Lindsey Lohan’s huge decline in popularity..i should have known better.
Sadly during one of the opening scene’s Lindsey Lohan is reading a paper in front of a class, and when it pans out to the class I just expect them to me laughing and snarling … that’s how bad she has become in the public eye. It was pretty much unbelievable to see them all staring at her intently as if they were spellbound.
My wife always says that if you didn’t watch the whole movie, you cant give it a fair review. Well, I am sorry but I couldn’t bring myself to get passed about 30 minutes of the movie.
I honestly feel pretty bad about just how horrible this movie is, and its not just Lindsey Lohan. The script was horribly written, the camera shots leave a lot of questions, and to hear Ms. Lohan cursing up a storm is just funny. Its so forced and unnatural that you cant help but laugh when you hear it.
Let me tell you the only reasons to watch this movie:
A) You want to see Lindsey Lohan do some very unsexy dancing on a stage as a burlesque performer.
B) You want to throw away an hour and a half.
C) You want to watch a very long, unnecessary sex scene between Lohan and Brian Geraghty. And from all of the recent reports from Lohan’s one night stands, you wonder if she is having to tone it down just to make it seem natural?
D) You want to see Linsey Lohan half naked most of the movie.
E) Do yourself a favor and just not watch it.
Scott’s Score
[rating: 0/5]
So, Blender.com put out a list of the 10 worst rock movies ever made and they listed 2 movies that really pissed me off.
First off they listed at #5 Rock Star, you know the one with Mark Wahlberg. I actually thought this movie was really good, especially if you liked the glam rock of the 80’s. Bad form blender!
Then, if that wasnt enough they coupled in Radiohead’s ‘Rockumentary’ ‘Meeting People is Easy‘.
This one shouldnt be on the list for obvious reasons. A) most of the movies on the list are ACTUAL MOVIES, and B) Anyone who isnt a fan of radiohead wont like this..but i sure as hell did. Come on blender, there is more to music than Britney Spears and Kanye West (not that there is anything wrong with either of those artists).
I am certain that you could have found at least one movie about a boy band, or christina agu..nevermind. Instead you pick movies about Glam Rock(popular music before your magazine was around), and One of the most influential bands of our generation.
