Category: Bad Reviews

‘The Dark Knight’ sitting at 90% on Rotten Tomatoes …

Checking Rotten Tomatoes today I see that ‘The Dark Knight’, which in my mind should be sitting at 100%, is only at 90%. So lets talk about why.

First off there is a hack review from some guy(David Denby) with The New Yorker, who also didn’t seem to like IRONMAN, You can read his full review here. Here is a snippit from his review:

“At times, the movie sounds like two excited mattresses making love in an echo chamber. In brief, Warner Bros. has continued to drain the poetry, fantasy, and comedy out of Tim Burton’s original conception for “Batman† (1989), completing the job of coarsening the material into hyper-violent summer action spectacle.”

The next bad review we get from David Edelstein with NY Mag(whats with the guys from NY not digging this movie?), who also didn’t seem to care for IRONMAN. You can read his full review of ‘The Dark Knight’ here, but here is a snippit:

“The Dark Knight is noisy, jumbled, and sadistic.”

Then we have a review from Marshall Fine with Star Magazine, but come on..did we expect anything less from this hack magazine?

There are 4 rotten reviews, and 37 fresh reviews..you decide who to believe. Kind of ridiculous.

Roger Ebert is off his rocker..

He decided that ‘The Happening’ should receive a higher rating than ‘The Incredible Hulk’. He is getting up there in age, but Mr Ebert, this is a NEW hulk..they arent just rescreening the old Ang Lee version.

Here he gives ‘The Incredible Hulk’ 2 1/2 stars.
Here he gives ‘The Happening’ 3 stars.

“I suspect I’ll be in the minority in praising this film. It will be described as empty, uneventful, meandering.”

You are correct sir.

Review: ‘Blood & Chocolate’ on DVD

Blood & Chocolate was directed by Katja von Garnier (Bandits). Aside from the really bad title (although it does make sense once you’ve seen the movie), it isn’t a complete failure. The one decent thing it has going for it is an attempted twist on the werewolf story, which on its own was intriguing, but not enough to carry this mostly unexciting and slow-moving drama. I really wouldn’t call it much of a horror film, as its rated PG-13 and understandably so. There is very little blood, or even violence, and the special effects left me wanting on a highly disappointing level.

The SFX used to show the transformation of the loup-garoux (as the Romanian folklore refers to these werewolves, revered as “chosen ones”) are pretty lame, consisting of some simple computer light & morph FX. In this story, the loup-garoux due not change from humans into massive, savage and scary murdering machines, but instead into actual wolves. They also are not limited to changing during a full moon, but instead shape-shift at will. About the only “traditional” werewolf trait the loup-garoux maintain is that they are highly vulnerable to silver.

The story of Blood & Chocolate centers on Vivian (Agnus Bruckner), a young female loup-garoux who is promised to Gabriel (Olivier Martinez), the “pack leader” of the loup-garoux. Vivian has her reservations about marrying Gabriel, which only increase after meeting Aiden (Hugh Dancy), an American graphic novelist in visiting Romania. Vivian finds herself falling in love with Aiden, but must way that love against the danger it presents to both of them. Really, this movie is mostly a romance story with an extremely watered down werewolf undercurrent used to add some depth to the story. I’m not going to call Blood & Chocolate a complete waste of time, however I’m also not necessarily recommending it either.

[rating:2/5]

DVD Features:

  • Commentary with Olivier Martinez and Director Katja von Garnier
  • Deleted Scenes
  • Previews

Review: ‘Beowulf’

Zac:

Let’s get one thing out of the way, if you see this, see it in IMAX 3-D. The 3-D is phenomenal and a must see for anyone that enjoys film or wants to see the future of the medium. The 3-D gives the movie a bit more life than it might normally have had, but you accept the look and it is a part of the film after the first Grendel attack.
Now the movie. Beowulf is a pretty good, with a classic story, a beautiful look and some amazing action scenes. The movie opens with a celebration of King Hrothgar and his people when Grendel, a beast of terrifying looks and brutality, barges in and kills pretty much everyone in the hall. This leads to a call for a “hero” to come and kill Grendel and Beowulf answers the call. To tell more would take away from the film and while it is a bit predictable and there aren’t any major twists, it is still probably best enjoyed knowing as little as possible.
This movie, as you might know is animated, which looks great, but is drawn to look like the actors who filmed the movie performance capture on a blue screen. This is the best way to tell this story I feel and I don’t think it would have looked as good or as doable as a live action film with CGI elements added in. The movie being animated also allows you to easily accept and not be taken aback by the scenes that would have been blatantly CGI enhanced as it looks just like everything else in the world.
The actors do alright work here, though Robin Wright Penn is a bit too wooden even for being a sad, sad character. Anthony Hopkins is also alright as the King with Ray Winstone playing an excellent bad ass in Beowulf. John Malkovich is also good as the sleazy Unferth with Brendan Gleeason being as great as he always is. Angelina Jolie also turns in some sexy and mysterious work as the mother to the best actor in the movie Crispin Glover. Glover as Grendel is terrifying and is a character that is truly freaky on screen. Glover throws together a performance that is unsettling and just eats away at you. I would love to find out how much of the physical performance he did as well.
Another bit to note with this movie, is that it is brutally violent and in no way is it possible that this is PG-13, I have no idea how it received that rating. Be warned if you are bringing little ones, it’s scary and messed up and there is plenty of blood and bodies tossed around the screen.
Any who, the movie is worth seeing just for the 3-D alone, but you will also be able to enjoy a classic tale, beautifully realized in this animated feature. The movie could have been trimmed up a bit and the acting could have been better, but the action and animation make up for it’s shortcomings easily and it’s ultimately an entertaining movie.

(4 out of 5)

Andrew:

It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve seen this year, but it was really unmoving. First, toss out most of what you know about the real Beowulf story because we don’t that mixed in here. Second, think of a video game cut scene that started off really well, and then extend it another hour and a half. Third, get ready to feel awkward checking out animated Angelina who isn’t technically naked, I don’t think.

Now, in that mindset, sit down and watch Beowulf and you’ll be far better prepared than I was. If I pretend I was ready for those three things, I can say that Beowulf was definitely interesting for its use of animated actors. Likewise there are some fantastic shots, and fun battle scenes that wouldn’t have been possible without the animation. However, the movie ends up feeling like a final-fantasy-esque cut scene with unrealistic and almost silly characters who’s emotions seem awkward and misplaced. If you’ve gone this long without seeing it, you might as well keep it that way. Maybe I’m a snob.

(2.5 out of 5)

[rating: 3.5/5]

Review: ‘Undead or Alive’ on DVD

Undead or Alive, directed by Glasgow Phillips, who previously has written for South Park, is an unGodly awful piece of film. How bad … I’ve had more fun examining lint I pulled from my pants pocket. Jokingly also referred to as Undead or Alive: A Zombedy, this is just one more knock-off zombie comedy that fails at doing anything but waste the viewer’s time and money.

This direct-to-DVD dud stars television actor James Denton (The Pretender, Desperate Housewives) and SNL star Chris Kattan (Monkeybone, Corky Romano) as two completely opposite outlaws in the old west, on the run after robbing the town’s sheriff. As it turns out, legend has it that Geronimo allegedly cast a curse on the white man, turning them into zombies. The sheriff is attacked and becomes a zombie, then builds a posse of zombies to track down the two fugitives. What ensues is a lousy production with crappy special effects, a terrible script with lousy humor filled with puns and cliche’s older than dirt. Poor Chris Kattan … he was never my favorite SNL player, but this is beneath even his standards.

[rating:1/5]

Uwe Boll … please stop … everything!

Uwe Boll has been involved in the movie-making process since … well, that doesn’t matter. He has made several video games into movies, takes the cheap (crappy) way out and does all the production himself, usually writes it himself, and then releases the finished product to lackluster results at the box office. He is able to get financing for these movies because in Germany they have a tax shelter fund, and if you invest in movies the government gives you half of it back. So his investors still see a return with whatever it makes at the box office/DVD sales.

His movies are crap, and someone should stop him. Here are some of his ratings on Rotten Tomatoes:

House of the Dead – 4%
Bloodrayne – 4%
Alone in the Dark – 1%
Blackwoods – 11% (his hightest rating)

… and as most of you already know, someone started a petition in the hopes that Uwe Boll would quit making, writing and producing movies. Well, Uwe Boll was enraged and said it would take 1,000,000 signatures for him to stop making movies. The petition has 164,206 signatures right now. Do your part in making the movie world better, and sign this thing.

Review: ‘Skinwalkers’ on DVD

Director Jim Isaac (The Horror Show, Jason X) has delivered his third movie in almost twenty years. It must mean he makes very good, monumental films … right? Not exactly. OK, I’m trying to maintain my goal of keeping my reviews as positive as I can … so, here it goes. Um, the poster is kinda cool … I suppose. Here’s just a bit of background info … Isaac’s first film, The Horror Show (1989), aka House III, the original director was fired and Isaac was the replacement. Oh yeah, and the writer had their name removed and the official credit for the screenplay was given to Alan Smithee. [If you’re a movie geek, you know what that means.]

Skinwalkers (2006) is a pretty run-of-the-mill werewolf movie. It has werewolves, action and an occasional attack on humans. The special effects are, well … not very good, actually. This is disappointing when you consider Isaac is also a special effects guy, having worked on Return of the Jedi, Gremlins and three different David Cronenberg films, including The Fly, Naked Lunch and eXistenZ. He actually claims Cronenberg as his mentor and idol. I think this is cool, but I’m afraid very little of Cronenberg rubbed off on his work.

The plot: a band of renegade werewolves are looking for a special boy who is about to turn 13. The boy, who has nightmares and asthma, is unaware of his connection but is secretly protected by a small rural town of werewolves who refuse to give in to their beastly urges. Apparently, there is [in this movie] a Native American legend about skinwalkers and a prophecy about a young half-breed boy who will end the “curse” if he lives to his 13th birthday. From here, the movie basically takes on the typical chase-action-chase-climactic fight scene formula. I’m not going to give away the end. You aren’t missing much, but still … I’m not that evil.

So, all of this and you’ve got to be excited to run out to your local RedBox to rent Skinwalkers, right? Yeah. If you like minimal story, mediocre action and poorly executed special effects, along with excessive gun-cocking [you’ll understand if you see the movie] and sci-fi channel quality cinematography, then go spend your buck and rent Skinwalkers. As for me, I’m pleased that I rented this one for free.

[rating:2.5/5]

DVD Features:

  • Making Skinwalkers featurette
  • Huguenot Shoot-out Pre-visualization sequence
  • Digital FX Comparisons
  • Deleted Scenes
  • Original Theatrical Trailer
  • other Lionsgate trailers

Review: ‘September Dawn’ on DVD

The day-riders of ‘September Dawn’

September Dawn (2006) was directed by Christopher Cain (Young Guns) and tells the story of the Mountain Meadows Massacre in Utah. This horrible event took place 151 years ago on September 11, 1857. As the films begins, the words “based on actual events” appears on the screen. I do not doubt so much the idea that this atrocious event occurred, however I do find myself staying objective to the details of how it occurred and by whose hands the acts were committed. I can only say, if this depiction is true to the facts, I feel it is important that the film was made. The story follows a wagon train of Christians from Missouri and Arkansas as they seek supplies and a place to rest from a settlement of Mormons along their trail.

According to the film, the governing members of the Mormon Church eventually ordered their militia known as the day-riders to engage the Native Americans they had deceived and befriended to massacre every man, woman and child of the wagon train party. The Native Americans quickly learn that they have been misled and abandon the massacre before it is completed. At this point, Brigham Young, played by Terence Stamp (The Limey), orders Jacob Samuelson, played by Jon Voight (National Treasure), by way of the prophet Joseph Smith to finish God’s work and kill the remaining survivors. I found this film equivalent to a Hallmark movie, but with lots of violence.

I understand the inclusion of a love story between a young Mormon boy and a young Christian girl within the script was likely done for audience appeal, but question whether it was appropriate. The subject matter alone I found difficult to watch at times simply because it is, at least in part, based on actual events. For those interested in movies which shed light on history, I do [cautiously] recommend this film. I do not claim to have an opinion either way of the Mormon Church, nor do I imply any knowledge of their beliefs. I feel that the burden of bias may lie negatively on the storyteller(s), but appreciate the need to convey a piece of history.

[rating:2/5]

DVD Features:

  • Descendants: Remembering the Tragedy featurette
  • True Events: A Historical Perspective featurette
  • Previews

Review: ‘10,000 B.C.’

Steven Straight and Camille Belle in ‘10,000 BC’

Travis:

Roland Emmerich is an interesting director, with films that have been both loved and hated. Personally, I think The Day After Tomorrow (2004) and Godzilla (1998) are lots of fun to watch, but once you look beyond the action and great special effects [even if the Godzilla design was, to some, blasphemous] the films are weak on story and lacking any amount of believability. One constant, however, is that his films are known for their fascinating special effects. Stargate (1994) and Independence Day (1996) were great and are still fan-favorites to this date. Despite all the CGI effects of his other movies, my favorite Emmerich film is The Patriot (2000) which holds up the best against all the tests. One of the biggest problems with 10,000 B.C. is that it doesn’t fit very well into Emmerich’s M.O.

There really aren’t any recognizable actors in this film, probably my choice, so I won’t waste any time on that. Believe me, you’re not being deprived of any Oscar-worthy performances. The landscapes and scenery in the first half of the film are pretty to look at, but this alone does not a good film make. One element of the film’s approach to depicting characters from this era that bothered me throughout the film was the accents. I realize that the human species of the time didn’t speak English, or any formal language that we know of, but why bother giving them accents? We already get that the English-speaking is a tool for keeping the movie at a broad audience approval rating, even though Mel Gibson’s Apocolypto did quite well, despite its gamble with subtitles over the native-spoken language. So, I suppose I am nit-picking a bit, but these weren’t my largest concerns.

We’ve seen it all before. A trailer comes out for a new movie, marketing itself as the next big action extravaganza with lots of neat, expensive special effects … then we find ourselves surprised in the theatre by a sizable lack of said action and special effects. 10,000 B.C. in no exception. The effects that do exist are well done, but for a movie nearly two hours long, most of them are packed into the final scenes of the film. I’m being too harsh? Maybe you’re right, but I have fallen asleep in a theatre while watching a movie, well … never! I found myself fighting the sandman on 2-3 different occasions during this film, wedged between momentary glimpses of the woolly mammoth scenes. The uneventful and slow-rolling love story, that essentially plays out like a prehistoric soap opera, just lumbers along as we await to see something amazing. It could be me, or the fact that these characters lived ten-thousand years ago, but I found myself entirely void of any empathy or compassion for the characters.

Honestly, I really wanted to enjoy this movie. I have been looking forward to it ever since I first saw the trailer. I even maintained my enthusiasm while nearly all my friends and co-workers scoff at me for being interested in a movie they were sure would suck. Well, I have to say that they were mostly right for once. Normally, I remain seated during the credits to digest a good film, while everyone else makes their mad dash for the exit. I actually found myself sitting through the credits of 10,000 B.C. simply to wake-up and regain my strength. No kidding! I was actually tired after watching this movie. I’m not going to go so far out on a limb as to say it was poorly made, but simply some it up as being only slightly more enjoyable than Kevin Costner’s The Postman, which is the only DVD that I have yet to watch from beginning to end in one sitting, without falling asleep. To date, I have attempted it three times. I can sincerely say I would prefer to revisit Godzilla, again, over paying again to watch 10,000 B.C.

Curtis:

Roland Emmerich (The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, Independence Day) directed and co-wrote this prehistoric epic teaming with Harold Kosler (AVP, OK so that doesn’t say much), but working with a largely unknown cast these guys put together quite the film. Contrary to what the trailers have lead us to believe it isn’t non-stop action. It is, as I expected, very character-driven, and a well told story. Not all about rampaging wooly mammoths.

As reads at Wikipedia: Mammoth hunter D’Leh (Steven Strait), a member of a hunter-gatherer tribe living in 10,000 B.C., travels through unknown lands on a quest to rescue his people from extinction. Leading an army, D’Leh uncovers a now lost civilization while in pursuit of a warlord who kidnapped his love, Evolet (Camilla Belle). D’Leh and his army come face-to-face with a saber-toothed cat, woolly mammoths, and terror birds in the journey to save his people.

Some aspects of the film I found questionable. As in, why D’leh’s people wouldn’t trap the Mammoth herd in the valley, yet scare them away to only attempt catching one. There’s a few more, but with that said I’m going to highly recommend this film. On top of the inlaid love-story, that seems to be a constant in these films, it contains some visuals are nothing short of awe-inspiring! Exceeding the level seen in “Troy” (2004) to reference another historical epic. From actually seeing the pyramids being built, using mammoths as work horses, pulley systems throughout, the shear massive level of construction demonstrated was unbelievable, yet at the same time very realistic. Other things such as the Sphinx completed with a very feline face, to the allusion of Egyptian’s being descendants of Atlantis, even the design of the sails are interesting. I’m not sure how well these visuals will translate to DVD, so I would try to see this at the Theater if you can. “300” just isn’t the same on the small screen. I’m going out on a limb, and saying … This movie will top the $200 Million mark. Time will tell, but I think it’s MONEY !!

[rating:2/5]

Review: ‘Chaos’

Jason Statham and Ryan Phillippe in ‘Chaos’

I was buying groceries the other day and out in front of the store is one of the many new Red Box DVD vending machines we see everywhere. I have a habit of stopping on my way out to see what’s there. I had never actually used the service before, but on this occasion I noticed a new movie that kind of snuck up on me. It was an action movie that appeared to be direct-to-video, but it starred Jason Statham, Ryan Phillippe and Wesley Snipes. I though, “Hmm… it may be watchable. Besides, maybe Snipes is finally trying to revive his career after his time spent fighting the IRS.” So, I rented the DVD and this is how it went.

I’ll let IMDB.com give you the DVD case synopsis … [In Seattle, detective Quentin Conners is unfairly suspended and his partner Jason York leaves the police force after a tragic shooting on Pearl Street Bridge, when the hostage and the criminal die. When a bank is heist with hostage situation, Conners is assigned in charge of the operation having the rookie Shane Dekker as partner. The thieves, leaded by Lorenz, apparently do no steal a penny from the bank. While chasing the gangsters, the police team discloses that they planted a virus in the system, stealing one billion dollars from the most different accounts, using the principle of the Chaos Theory. Further, they find that Lorenz is killing his accomplices. Written by Claudio Carvalho, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil]

Chaos (2005) meets the quality equivalent of an average television cop drama, at best. Oh yeah, it was made in 2005. So, why is it just recently popping up on DVD in the States? It could be due to a couple different reasons. First, upon watching the film, I couldn’t help but notice some plot elements that seemed to be borrowed from both Inside Man and War. The I caught myself and realized this film precedes both of those, respectively released in 2006 and 2007. I will, however, state that Inside Man is a far superior movie and, while I wasn’t the biggest fan of War, it too was better than Chaos. This left me with one remaining theory, the movie was not seen as a sure-fire profit-maker for the distributors. I can only assume that the recent popularity boost for Statham finally encouraged them to release this sub-par action film that the director, Tony Giglio (Soccer Dog) repeatedly refers to as more of a mystery than and action movie in the Making of featurette. Another element of this DVD extra that bugged me was how he kept suggesting that this was the type of script that Statham and Phillippe hadn’t done before. Well, Giglio actually mentions Phillippe’s work on Way of the Gun, so I find this contradictory. As for Statham, these are primarily the only type of movies he makes. [Again, I refer to War, despite its later release, but we can also consider Crank and Transporter.]

Please note that I’m not bashing Statham, or any of the other cast, but rather reflecting on the smooth-flowing but otherwise boring and unoriginal screenplay. The twists are hyped to be a big mystery, but a viewer cannot help but connect the major plot similarities of Chaos to War, simply because we’ve seen War already. OK, sure … its not the directors fault that the two movies’ release dates got twisted out of order, but it hurts the film’s element of surprise. The acting was fine, as good as is to be expected, the directing and cinematography meet at about the same junction, but as a whole the movie just falls kind of flat. The action really isn’t that exciting and even the chase scene between Phillippe on a Harley pursuing a perp in a truck is only mildly exciting. All things being equal, Chaos is worth the one dollar I digitally dropped at the Red Box, but anything more would have been just shy of upsetting.

[rating:2.5/5]