MARRY ME – Review

So you didn’t think that I WANT YOU BACK would be the only “rom-com” feature dropping on this pre-Valentine’s Day weekend? Did you? I mean there’s got to be one to play the multiplexes since the other flick is only streaming (well, this one’s doing both actually), right? Oh, and this new release is the long-awaited return to the genre by the multi-talented (all manner of media, really) star that some have dubbed (heard it on one of the morning TV chat shows just the other day) “the patron saint of rom-coms”. Now don’t expect her to be a demure passive heroine this time out. Her demands and agenda pretty much boil down to two words: MARRY ME (Imagine the length of that queue, yeesh).

The lady with that simple request is worldwide pop sensation Kat Valdez (Jennifer Lopez). Her decades-long popularity has gotten a big “bump” recently with her very public romance with “up and coming ” crooner Bastian (Maluma). They’ve got a duet that’s at the top of the charts, “Marry Me”, and actually plan on tieing the knot at the conclusion of their joint concert spectacular (beamed around the globe, of course) at NYC’s Madison Square Garden. Miles away from the whirlwind of planning and “prep”, middle school math teacher and divorced dad Charlie Gilbert (Owen Wilson) is taking his pre-teen daughter Lou (Chloe Coleman) to school (he works there, she attends). Naturally, she wants to distance herself from him, upcoming her “coolness cred”. In between classes, guidance counselor and pal Parker Debbs (Sarah Silverman) tells Charlie that she now has two extra tickets to the sold-out Kat and Bastian concert (her ex-girlfriend and her new GF bailed). Charlie reluctantly agrees in order to impress Lou. But things don’t quite go as planned at the big multi-media event. Minutes before the nuptials, as Kat dons her sparkly wedding gown, Page Six drops a big scandal on their website, complete with a “hidden camera” video. A stunned and shocked Kat silences the orchestra and addresses the audience. As she scans the crowd she spots Charlie holding Lou’s makeshift poster board that says “Marry Me”. Kat beckons him to the stage. The wedding will go on, but with a new groom. Concerned about Kat’s state of mind, Charlie agrees and the two exchange “I do’s”. Backstage the pair, go their separate ways, with Kat’s flabbergasted manager Collin (John Bradley) insisting that he will have it all annulled within hours and monetarily compensate Charlie. But Kat’s got other ideas after a brief conversation with Charlie generates sparks. Could this impromptu gesture actually turn into something? But can their very different worlds mesh?

That “patron saint’ is Lopez of course, who seems to be taking somewhat of a career “backstep”, as this is her first feature since her lauded bravada turn three years ago as the “stripper pole queen” of HUSTLERS. At least Kat is a bit closer to her own ‘perceived’ persona, a “meta skewing’ of the publicity chaos that appears to surround her 24/7. Still, she brings a real change to the character as she emerges from the “bubble” and learns to “walk amongst the mortals” and truly connect. That main “mortal man” is the always charming Wilson who still has that affable everyman vibe (guessing if the flick was made 75 years ago, Jimmy Stewart would “aw shucks” he way with it). His Charlie bonds with everyone, especially his “math team”, but Wilson still gives him a wry attitude as he makes subtle digs at the “superstar” life. Rounding out this unlikely “love triangle” is Bastian played by Columbian heartthrob Maluma in his big feature film debut (though we can hear him in ENCANTO). He earns kudos for playing up all the “diva arrogance’ as he practically spits venom at Charlie as he tries to slither his way back to Kat. Also scoring is Ms. Coleman who is endearing as Charlie’s daughter trying to “find her own way” while still needing her daddy. The film is really packed with many of the best comic actors, but their “edges” are somewhat “smoothed” for this mass-audience entertainment. Stand-up star Michelle Buteau buzzes about as Kat’s viral-obsessed aide, while Utkarsh Ambudkar sneers and jeers as a rival math team coach. But the biggest “missed-op” is Silverman as Parker a “gender-switched” take on the rom-com cliche of the heroine’s ultra-supportive gay BFF or next-door neighbor. Her dangerous on-stage bawdy snark is neutered as the school staffer/ wannabe rep for Charlie. Perhaps she hopes to “expand the brand’, but her role here feels toothless. Oh well, at least there’s Jimmy Fallon bucking his “nice guy” image for a more surly prickly twist on his late-night TV gig.

The whole film hinges on the whole premise taken from some of the recent cable-TV “mating shows’ (with titles like “Married at First Sight”, “Love is Blind”, etc.). For most of us (well, me) the whole “plucking from the crowd” thing comes off as ludicrous in the extreme. Perhaps it worked better in the original graphic novel or webcomic (okay, a comic book) by Bobby Crosby which couldn’t quite gel in the screen adaptation by Harper Dill, John Rogers, and Tami Sanger. The concert finale is meant to be Kat’s on-stage meltdown, but her competent compassionate manager Collin (played warmly by Bradley) would’ve pulled the plug on it. We get a hint of the crazed paparazzi-fueled frenzy, but it’s more a mild annoyance. Director Kat Corio does her best with the material, but we can predict the relationship roadmap proceeding along the usual route to its inevitable destination. The leads are likable enough, but the whole thing feels too cloying and cutesy. If that weren’t enough we’re almost suffocated by the “synergy”. Scenes are built around different parts of the Universal media family. Aside from Fallon, NBC Today provides a constant “Greek chorus” along with Telemundo. Enough with the Tie-ins”!Perhaps this was intended as a 25th-anniversary reunion of the two stars (ANACONDA was way back in 1997), but only the most fervent rom-com fanatic will get anything from this wobbly wonky gender-spin on PRETTY WOMAN (with some NOTTING HILL tossed in). Better to stream those gems rather than endure the dreary by-the-numbers MARRY ME.

1 Out of 4

MARRY ME opens in theatres everywhere and streams exclusively on Peacock beginning on Friday, February 11, 2022