ROBIN HOOD (2018) – Review

So, do you think movie fans will escape the holiday shopping mania for some good old-fashioned swashbuckling? What, you think most of them never “buckled a swash”. Well, not for a couple of years or so when KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD was the first of several box office duds of Summer 2016. But why give it another go? From many reports, it appears that another movie company wants to set up its own “universe”, much like Marvel Studios. But they and Warner/DC have all those known superheroes, Disney’s got their animated classics to remake in live-action, and Universal’s monster legacy started and ended with the Tom Cruise MUMMY. Since there are loads of secret agents, why not go back to the old legends (plus they’re in the public domain). It’s been eight years since Ridley Scott tried to start a new medieval franchise with Russell Crowe as the Sherwood Forest hero. Plus archery is cool again thanks to Katniss of THE HUNGER GAMES, WONDER WOMAN, and one of THE AVENGERS, Hawkeye (plus the TV heroes Oliver Queen of “Arrow” and Darryl of “The Walking Dead”). So it may be the perfect time to grab the hot young star of another franchise and dress him up in green as ROBIN HOOD.

The narrator tells us at the start of the flick that he can’t remember the exact year (way to cover your…tights), but he takes us to not-so-merry ole’ England when handsome young Robin of Loxley (Taron Egerton) halts the plans of horse thief, the lovely maid named Marian (Eve Hewson). This “meet cute” during a crime leads to a passionate romance that’s halted by a letter from the Draft Board, signed by that nasty ole’ Sheriff of Nottingham (Ben Mendelsohn). Quite a slick notice, maybe the village has a Ye Olde Kinko’s? Anywho, Robin is shipped off to Arabia to fight in the Crusades. But the young man is disgusted by the brutality shown toward the captured enemy soldiers by his superior officer. When Robin tries to stop the abuse of one prisoner, he’s rewarded with an arrow in the gut. So he’s homeward bound on the medical ship, along with that same soldier (a stowaway). Arriving home Robin is stunned to find his estate in ruins after being grabbed by the Sheriff over back taxes. Heading over to the church, old pal Friar Tuck (Tim Minchin) informs him that he was declared dead two years ago. Walking through the mines (the town’s main income source), Robin spies his old flame Marian, serving up soup with a new beau (or maybe husband or fiance), aspiring politico Will Scarlet (Jamie Dornan). Suddenly that prisoner pulls Robin off the street. He translates his birth name to the English moniker of John (Jamie Foxx) and warns him of revealing himself to Marian because he’s got a plan. To stop the excessive taxes of the working class, and cut off funds for the army that invaded his country, John suggests that Robin must become a masked, unknown, “thief in the night”, taking back those funds. But he’d keep a good portion and present it to the Sheriff in order to learn of his devious plans. Wow, just hours off the boat and John knows a scheme to disrupt this foreign land? Wow. Could his crazy scheme work? And what will happen when Marian finally hears of Robin’s “resurrection”?

With the odds stacked against them (mainly the script, art direction, etc.) the cast does their best to put a new spin on these classic characters. Bouncing back from the last two KINGSMAN flicks, Egerton appears to have a lock on being the British Tom Cruise (in terms of doing as much stunt work as possible, general energy and enthusiasm, along with, well, height). His Robin has more of a vulnerable side (especially in his star-crossed romance) while adding an air of mystery with the whole masked alter ego angle. Foxx has a tougher time with the “all over the place” take on “little” John, going quickly from avenging angry father to cool mastermind, then switching to driving mentor mode, sort of an Obi-Wan Kenobi of bow and arrow rather than lightsabres. Although his humor is curtailed, the fast-talking funny Foxx occasionally breaks through. Hewson is quite the lovely, resilient heroine, but the choice of heavy, smoky eyeshadow (how long would it take her to wipe that off at night, if there was cold creme way back when), thick eyeliner, and low cut tops (with slacks always) distracts. She glows when near Robin, but there’s little heat with the other member of the flick’s romantic triangle (again, that script). I’m speaking of Dornan, who has little of the Christian Grey charisma as Scarlet, who seems ill at ease when trying to rally the underclasses. It appears he’s been set up for a more prominent role in the sequel (uh, right). Perhaps as big as Mendelsohn’s sneering screeching Sheriff, which doesn’t seem much different from his previous villain performance earlier in the year in READY PLAYER ONE, who was pretty close to his ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY baddie (oh, this doesn’t bode well for next year’s CAPTAIN MARVEL). The gifted character actor is too versatile to be locked into so many similar roles. Still, he’s not chewing the scenery as much as F.Murray Abraham who shows up mid-film as the despicable Cardinal. Saddled with a ratty pageboy wig, he stumbles in the kind of part Vincent Price could’ve played in his sleep. Well, at least Minchin is able to coax a few chuckles as the often confused Tuck.

The director and screenwriters are all feature film “newbies”, so the lackluster end product is not a jarring surprise. But then all the off-camera artists collide and fumble in this confusion. Just a few minutes into the flick and the anachronisms are flying faster than the min-harpoons (or are they railroad spikes) out of an Arab sniper’s gattling gun-like crossbow, which easily zips through concrete like melted butter. That’s a few minutes before John loses a limb to little discomfort (as the villain in a much-better medieval flick remarked, “It’s just a scratch!”) and is soon clinging to the bottom of a ship at sea. The streets of Nottingham are covered in pristine, unscratched tile as if it were a just-opened shopping mall, while the distant mines belch flame into the blue sky. The script resorts to the secret identity superhero “bit’ as Robin becomes the mysterious outlaw nicknamed “The Hood”, but it seems like a weak spin on Zorro, the Scarlet Pimpernel, and, of course, Batman, with John as his own “Alfred”. As the Sheriff speaks in the town square, the filmmakers indulge in some ham-fisted swipes at current political rhetoric (“They hate us for our freedom!”) which is almost as incongruous, though not as “icky” as his soliloquy to Robin about being beaten by priests as a boy (the whole bit about different bruise color…yeesh). But that’s in line with the film’s view of the church as diabolical masterminds who make Hydra look like grade-school hooligans. In between, we get the action sequences abetted with CGI (the spike-like arrows), clumsy stormtrooper-style armor that proves useless against Robin’s quiver, quick disorienting cuts along with “bullet-time” bits of mayhem. Speaking of “BT”, the costume design is a strange blend of THE MATRIX and STAR WARS prequel togs, particularly the Sheriff who’s always seen in a long power-blue leather duster?! The only time he doesn’t seem out of place is at a castle masquerade party (?!) in which half the guests look like they’re headed to a 70’s-themed Las Vegas disco! And this time there’s almost no mention of royalty (the king is said once or twice), and Sherwood Forest is just hinted at in the first of two endings. Needless to say, this film feels every second of two hours, while proving that the last great film on this legend was over 40 years ago (ROBIN AND MARIAN). This ROBIN HOOD steals valuable time and money from filmgoers and gives absolutely nothing back in return.

0 Out of 5