WISH UPON – Review

We’re nearly halfway through July, but somehow, here at the ole’ multiplex, there’s a distinct chill. No, it’s not somebody tinkering with the thermostat. It could be this new horror flick, perhaps. Although it’s not the good chill as in a memorable “spine-tingler”. No, it’s as if this wannabe’ thriller somehow escaped the dumping ground of mid-January, or a Friday-the-thirteenth weekend, or sometime close to Halloween. It’s squarely aimed at the pre-teen and teen set since it’s got the PG-13 rating, so it’s a bit scary, just not too intense or “gory gross”. And it features a cast from other young adult flicks and TV shows for audience identification. And what’s the added incentive at the top of the poster, the nudge that’ll put behinds in the seats? “From the director of Annabelle”…really. That’s something to boast about? Oh, and there’s fairy tale elements to the story, too. It’s about a magic gizmo that grants your every desire, but, of course, the film’s heroine has to learn the hard way to, everybody now, “Be careful what you wish for” when you decide to WISH UPON (and not upon a star, Mr. Cricket).

The story begins with a gruesome, traumatic childhood memory that makes high-schooler Claire (Joey King) wake up screaming, bolt upright, her eyes nearly popping out of her head. Ah, but it’s time to head for school as she bids goodbye to her pop Jonathan (Ryan Phillippe) and jumps on her rickety bicycle. As she helps her wealthy uncle retrieve his morning paper at the driveway of his ritzy estate, Claire is nearly run down by school diva, that mean blonde b..witch, Darcie (Josephine Langford), who’s taking her fawning “squad” to school. But things don’t get better for Claire once her trek is done. Right outside the campus, she spots her dad “at work”. He may call himself a “professional recycler”, but to his daughter (and her classmates), Jonathan and her bud Carl are “dumpster divers”. Luckily Claire has her own support team, BFFs Meredith (Sydney Park) and June (Shannon Purser). But Darcie is not through taunting Claire, and the two get into a brawl in the school cafeteria (where were the faculty lunch monitors, visiting another district?). That night, Jonathan tries to cheer up Claire with an unusual gift, something he grabbed during the day’s ‘scavenging’. It’s an octagonal wooden box, about the size of a..well..breadbox, decorated with Chinese characters carved into its sides. Claire thinks into weird and cool. As she gets ready for bed, Claire recalls her arch-nemesis, and (while holding the box) says, “I wish Darcie would just…rot!”. Naturally Darcie wakes up the next day and is horrified by the divot in her check and her decaying leg. Word travels fast later at school as Claire learns of Darcie’s “medical emergency”. Meanwhile in Claire’s bedroom, the top of the box opens up and emits a musicbox-like tune. Then the family dog goes missing. Luckily Claire is taking a Chinese language course, so she asks her platonic pal Ryan (Ki Hong Lee) to decipher the box. He consults his aunt who says that the box promises to grant seven wishes from its owner. However (and isn’t there always an “however”), a blood ‘debt’ must be paid. Someone close to Claire must perish.And so she gets rid of the cursed lil’ wooden box, right? Of course, not! The flick would be a short subject then!

Joey King does her best with the fumbling script which wants us to root for Claire while being frustrated with her impulsive selfish choices. At least one of pals calls her out (“You could ask for world peace or cure cancer, instead you want to be popular?!”). King is quite convincing as the conflicted kid, but her abrupt shifts in motivation make for a confused center of the story. Purser, the beloved Barb from the Netflix sensation “Stranger Things” has a more consistent character arc, though she’s often the snarky bystander. Park has the more “in your face” attitude, though she’s saddled with some truly inane dialogue (“You’re a big, heaping bowl of b*%#h sauce!” Who talks like that?) and an obsession with a popular ‘app” that now feels as relevant as a pet rock (google it). Lee is good as Claire’s moral voice (there’s Jiminy again), but his unwavering devotion feels to similar to the relationship in last year’s vastly superior EDGE OF SEVENTEEN. As in that film, Claire is lusting after the utterly “adorbs” hunk Paul, played with boy band dreaminess by Mitchell Slaggert. Oh, and Langfield is a more vicious and violent version of Rachel McAdams in the (once more) vastly superior MEAN GIRLS. So is anybody in this flick over 25, you may ask? Oddly, the producers have cast two 1990’s “objects of adoration”. Phillip is almost unrecognizable as the scruffy “junkman”, until one wish, not kidding, turns him into a sexy saxophone player (I keep thinking of Jon Hamm as SNL’s Sergio) that arouses June (ah..hem). And “Twin Peaks” and TWO MOON JUNCTION sex kitten Sherilyn Fenn is the nurturing “Earth mother”neighbor, complete with long braided ponytail (it’s important later), who’s given little to do as we count the moments till she’s history (if she were in “Star Trek” she’d be wearing a red shirt beneath her cozy sweaters).

Of course this cautionary tale is a familiar one with roots going back to the classic short story “The Monkey’s Paw” and the story of the Djinn of “The Arabian Nights” (not the fun, friendly blue genie of Aladdin, nor the sexy navel-hiding Jeannie of 60’s sitcom fame), but seldom has the story been told in such an awkward, clumsy fashion. But hey, we got seven wishes, not three (to up the body count). It soon gets repetitive with wish, box opens, death. The film makers borrow heavily from the more engaging FINAL DESTINATION series, but the “accidents” never quite achieve the goofy “Rube Goldberg-like” comic inventiveness. And, because of the kid-friendlier PG-13, rating, there no goofy gory payoffs. Although the lead-ups almost have a satirical bent (close-up of big boiling pot, cut to garbage disposal with badly installed power switch…which will do them in?). The soundtrack is filled to the brim with indistinguishable pop tunes that interrupt the story to make “mini-music videos” (the plot is stopped dead in its tracks for …the “make-over montage”). Real horror aficionados will be put off by that rating, since no demise is shown too long and many are fairly …tidy (really, some of the locales would be drenched in plasma). As a result of the tame tone (there were “afterschool specials” more gruesome..and that’s one to grow on!), the overwrought dialogue, and ill-defined characters the movie is almost ‘high camp”, particularly the final denouncement. It was intended as a grim, sobering shocker, but it had the screening audience howling with laughter. Ultimately the film’s not even in the “It’s so bad, it’s good” fun to laugh at, guilty pleasure variety of time-wasters. It’s a ludicrous mess I wouldn’t WISH UPON anyone.
1.5 Out of 5