LOVE THE COOPERS – The Review

Social media is filled with complaints about retailers jumping the gun on Christmas. Hey the jack-o-lantern’s not yet ripe when the tinsel and wreaths go on sale. Well at least this inspired one of the great double holiday flicks, THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS. So, if the mall starts early, why not the attached (usually) multiplex theatres. Hollywood loves sending out movies at the end of the year set around the staples of the season. So, before you even think about grabbing the  turkey (let’s not get ahead of this piece) for Thanksgiving, here’s a flick about a big, big family getting things set for the big Christmas Eve shindig. Now Mom’s a perfectionist, so everything has to be plotted out and just right. Of course, like most families, things are far from perfect. Doesn’t mean they can’t try their darndest in the new star-packed cinema stocking, LOVE THE COOPERS.

It’s early morning, December 24 (CE Day if you will) and Charlotte (Diane Keaton) and Sam (John Cooper) are on the road. Things aren’t going well in their marriage (they plan to separate in the new year), but they don’t want the family to find out. First, it’s off to son Hank’s (Ed Helms) home to pick up his pre-K daughter Madison (Blake Baumgartner) ,but oh oh, she’s repeating a naughty phrase! Hank has separated from his wife Angie (Alex Borstein), but his folks don’t know that he’s actually spending his days looking for work. His teenage son Charlie (Timothee Chalament) is not handling the break-up well, so he’s taking his little brother Bo (Maxwell Simkins) to the mall to shop (and flirt with a gal working there). Sam and Charlotte with Madison go to a senior center to sing carols and pick up Sam’s daffy Aunt ‘Fishy’ (June Squibb) , who also says (and does) naughty stuff, too! Charlotte’s father Bucky (Alan Arkin) heads into his usual diner for breakfast, unaware that his favorite waitress Ruby (Amanda Seyfried) is going to drop a bombshell on him: she’s leaving town. Back at the mall, his other daughter, the divorced adrift Emma (Marisa Tomei) is busted for shoplifting and is being transported to the station by Officer Williams (Anthony Mackie). Meanwhile at the airport, Hank’s sister Eleanor (Olivia Wilde) is hiding out in the pub, dreading the disapproval from Mom over her still single status. She strikes up a rapport with a cute soldier, Joe (Jake Lacy) whose flight has been delayed a day. Hmm, maybe he’d agree to play her fella’ for the night? Man, now that’s one frenzied family circus (no offense Mr. Keane)!

Oy, where to begin! First off, I’ve enjoyed the work of the cast so much, but really…really. All of you show know better. Talk about having to flail about without a net! Diane Keaton, You’ll always be Annie Hall, so why do you take on such a shrill character, constantly trying fix everything and everyone when not giving an earful to both your on-screen hubby and sis. At least she has a bit of a personality which is more than be said for the sad sack role Goodman has been saddled with. His appearance in films, in even the briefest cameos (see what he does in TRUMBO, for gosh sake) can spring the story to life. Helms is doing a riff on the put-upon schlubs from the HANGOVER trilogy and VACATION and TV’s “The Office” with little else to do, besides looking anxious. Arkin only seems to bounce from befuddled to indignant. And who thought he could be Keaton’s father (there’s just a dozen years difference). Tomei’s pop I can believe. She’s stuck spewing vapid psycho-babble in the back of a police cruiser on the loooooongest ride to the station ever (there’s no sub station?)! Mackie isn’t allowed any of the energy he often brings to the screen as he’s stuck as another uptight guy with a secret (much like his role in WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?). Speaking of “The Office”, another alum, Lacy, does hold on to a bit of dignity, and can be a good leading man. His scene-mate Wilde is still dazzling and a delightful comic talent, though her character is mind-numbingly silly, even for a bit of froth like this. Seyfried, the film’s other beauty, can’t spark life into this immature twenty-something who hasn’t any semblance of a game plan (oh, just gonna’ pick a town at random, eh? Uh huh). Can it be just two years ago when Squibb stole every scene in NEBRASKA? Now she’s playing the crutch of lazy screenwriters, the unpredictable senior, always good for a cut-away gag or a scene ender. She is so much better than that.

Director Jessie Nelson (I AM SAM and CORRINA, CORRINA-that explains a lot) hammers us with every manner of forced whimsy. From slow-motion dancing to fantasy flash forwards, even some CGI as characters turn to ice and shatter (that was clever on “Ally McBeal” a decade ago). But nothing fails to revive this cliché filled script from Steven Rogers (no relation to the star-spangled avenger, I should hope!). Do we really need a dream sequence of Joe and Eleanor frolicking in the airport (where’s the TSA when ya’ really need them?)? And who in the world brings their soon-to-be ex-wife to the big family Christmas Eve event? Why the better to have a big argument followed by a heartfelt plea from the kiddos, naturally! The only thing that perked me up was when I realized this was all set in Pittsburgh. Could one of these shopping centers be the legendary Monroeville Mall from the 1978 DAWN OF THE DEAD? That’s what happens during drek like this. You think about much better films, and I had a lot to think about. The narrator of this film was part of a true holiday classic, one that can be watched and enjoyed any time of the year. At the screening of this, many viewers wanted to give this flick a pass, since, well it’s a Christmas movie and it’s got nice decorations and festive foods and lights. No, much like the old thought “it’s only a kids’ movie”, a “holiday movie” should not be given a free pass. That’s an affront to all the wonderful flicks that have become annual viewing favorites. Not so with this cloying, precious mess. You want to see Christmas-y stuff. Go to your local mall instead or, better yet, stroll down main street or downtown. That’s a much better way to get in the “Noel” mood since LOVE THE COOPERS goes down like a cold glass of egg nog…from a carton that’s been sitting at the back of the fridge since last Christmas. Now that’s a lump of coal in yer’ stocking!

1/2 Out of 5