10 Worst Films of 2013

As we bid farewell to a year of unbelievable cinema, Hollywood truly gave the masses such diverse choices from which to plunk down their hard earned dollars for. Assuredly it was a record-breaking year at the global box office as well. According to the LA Times, 2013 ticket sales reportedly are projected to reach $10.9 billion. We still love going to the movies… especially the popular ones.

However, there’s always a few that we can’t quite avoid as well as a number of films that just disappoint. Our list for this year’s “worst films” seems to be chock-full of extremely disappointing titles.

DISHONORABLE MENTION: GANGSTER SQUAD

Even Ryan Gosling in some vintage suits and Emma Stone in a sexy red dress couldn’t help this by the books gangster flick.  All style and no substance is the name of this tune that we’ve heard and seen perform much better before.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Warner Brothers seem to believe that dark, gritty, and grim is the only way to go with this reboot of comics’ first superhero. But what works for Batman doesn’t really jell with Superman. The planet Krypton becomes a barren landscape right out of THE MATRIX complete with weird CGI beasties and a confusing subplot involving the DNA “codex”. Once little Kal-El arrives on Earth, we’re denied seeing the Kents discover him and go right into Clark’s adolescence which appears to be a series of traumatic events and little joy.

There’s no real chemistry between Superman and Lois Lane despite the acting skills of Henry Cavill and Amy Adams. Once Zod and his crew arrive on Earth, the film devolves into an unending orgy of destruction. At least in MARVEL’S AVENGERS, the heroes made an effort to contain the battle (in 1981’s SUPERMAN II Kal took the fracas out of town), but here Metropolis is turned to rubble with countless off-screen lives lost while moviegoers were bombarded with constant product placement (“Pete Ross manages the IHOP!”).

Although it’s been out nearly six months, we’d best do a SPOILER ALERT: with the final insult being Kal’s decision to snap Zod’s neck in direct violation of the character’s ethics. Guess the screenwriter needed him to be “edgy”. SPOILER END. All of the proceedings are rendered with a cold, grey metallic sheen. Warners believed that the only way that Superman would work for today’s audiences is to drain him of any charm or wit.

10. SALINGER

One of the most iconic and important literary figures of all time is spotlighted in one of the worst documentaries of the year.

9. THE COUNSELOR

Given all of the talent involved on this film, you would think something better would come out of this overly verbose thriller where every character seems to talk in the same pseudo-philosophical manner.

8. MOVIE 43

Elizabeth Banks, Dennis Quaid, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet… None of them could save the horror that is MOVIE 43. Originally meant to be a comedy, the short films that make up this flop are weird, disturbing, and just plain stupid. This film should only be viewed during interrogations. I guarantee, they will spill the beans to make this film stop.

7. ESCAPE FROM PLANET EARTH

All that’s awful in modern feature animation. Uninspired, hideously designed CGI characters voiced by an endless list of celebrity actors in a way over-complicated story that strains at the seams to be clever. The old “hey, it’s just for kids” is no excuse for this kind of junk.

6. SAFE HAVEN

Can we all just agree to leave Nicholas Sparks books alone? Sure, his books might make for a romantic read, but the film adaptations are such a bummer. Let me recap every Nicholas Sparks movie so that we can all stop wasting our time. Love is always some ridiculous roller coaster ride that seems impossible, and never-ending, the poster is almost always the same shot of two people about to kiss, some sort of illness or accident will come out of left field in order to send the audience into a whirlwind of tears, and finally… someone always dies. There you go. You never have to sit through one of these movies again! You’re welcome.

5. STAND-UP GUYS

Never before have we watched a comedy with so many flat jokes and bad one-liners. For a film that is riddled with way too many Viagra jokes, it’s quite ironic that this movie is far from stimulating.

4. AFTER EARTH

Another epic dud in the downward career trajectory of M. Night Shymalan. The big twist here isn’t at the end. It’s the fact that a bait and switch was pulled so that audiences thinking they were getting a Will Smith SF actioner got one with his son Jaden instead.

3. GROWN-UPS 2

GROWN UPS 2 was even lazier and dumber than its predecessor. It’s worse than most comedy sequels, worse than most Adam Sandler movies, and worse than most types of cancer. It probably contained a higher percentage of gags involving burps, barfing, urine, excrement, and farting than any other recent Hollywood product, which is saying quite a lot. Too bad it wasn’t funny.

2. R.I.P.D.

A blatant rip-off of a franchise that itself sputtered after its first entry, Hollywood couldn’t resist this MEN IN BLACK in the hereafter. Well, luckily, movie audiences could and did resist. Jeff Bridges dusts off his Rooster Cogburn drawl, while Ryan Reynolds wonders why he tackled another comic book-based flick after GREEN LANTERN.

1. GETAWAY

GETAWAY tried hard for B-movie status but is but it was joyless and tiring, the type of utterly bad action nonsense that could not have even looked good on paper.  Salena Gomez gave the shrillest, surliest, and simply most abysmal performance of 2013.