Top 10 Worst Films of 2012

2012 marked a phenomenal year at the cinemas. ARGO, SKYFALL, LINCOLN, ZERO DARK THIRTY, DJANGO UNCHAINED, WRECK-IT RALPH, AMOUR, SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN. The list goes on and on. Every genre stepped up to the plate to whet theater audiences’ appetite. Check out our “2012 Best of” list HERE.

As we wade through the 2013 awards season celebrating the best films, you can’t have the greats without the clunkers. After much thought, the Geeks came together and decided to have one last look at 2012 with our list of the 10 Worst Films. Our list kicks off with the “dishonorable mention” – PROJECT X.

Found footage: it’s not just for cheap horror flicks anymore! This celebration of binge drinking and property damage is supposedly all shot by a member of the film’s junior “wolfpack”. When his parents leave him home alone for his 21st birthday (they’re off on an anniversary/second honeymoon trip..the dopes!), Thomas decides to throw a party with the help of his incredibly obnoxious pal Costa (I guess Jonah Hill is past these roles). Revelers dive into the pool from the roof of the house (what could go wrong?). A crazed pot dealer torches the neighbors with a flame-thrower (harmless hijinks!). There’s even an Archie comics romantic subplot tossed in (will Thomas/Arch go with the snobby, raven-haired bombshell Alexis/Veronica or go with the sweet blonde next door Kirby/Betty?). When Dad returns, he grounds his son, but then gives him a proud wink (“Didn’t know you had it in you!”). RISKY BUSINESS covered some similar territory (can it really be 30 years old?!) is CITIZEN KANE compared to this course, crude ode to irresponsibility.

10. RED DAWN

In many ways, this is actually a perfect remake. The original film is unpleasant but delightfully goofy and improbable, and this one is, while not as unpleasant, even more goofy and improbable. It begins by setting up Kim Jong-Un as a scary threat, and only escalates in silliness from there.

9. WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING

Cliche, agonizing, and just plain painful… That sums up WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING. Elizabeth Banks and Anna Kendrick couldn’t even save this dull sitcom of a film. There is no real character development, and with so many characters and stories going on the whole thing is just one big mess!

8.ONE FOR THE MONEY

Katherine Heigl was featured as Stephanie Plum in this anything but hilarious film that was supposedly for the whole family. Based on Janet Evanovich’s best seller about an incredibly average yet heroic woman who finds a new start in the bail bond business. Fans of the books were looking forward to this movie and with some great source material, it makes you wonder how it could’ve been messed up so badly. Across the board this movie failed.

7. DARK SHADOWS

DARK SHADOWS was a film many greatly anticipated, hoped would be a perfect vehicle to welcome Tim Burton back into the fold of filmmaker’s appreciated by the more critical audience, but ultimately fell flat. Burton’s take on the classic TV saga failed to truly capture the darkness, the morbid and the drama. Burton’s attempts at humor were only occasionally successful, but more often fell on a silent crowd and the ending was, well… to put it simply, straight out of left field, pointless and, in general, somewhat of an ill-concocted cop out for mere shock value.

6. FOR A GOOD TIME CALL

The “sex comedy” FOR A GOOD TIME CALL was neither sexy nor funny but did prove the adage that sex is funny when it’s taken seriously, but boring when it’s treated as funny. It obviously targeted the Sex and the City/BRIDESMAIDS demographic but the writing was lazy and the jokes simply weren’t funny. Any movie whose idea of a hilarious gag is to name a phone sex business 1-800-MMM-HMMM is the sort of film so eager to depict people in cutesy-naughty situations that it never bothers to figure out what they’re doing there in the first place. FOR A GOOD TIME CALL had the cruddy over-bright lighting, the stop-and-go pace, and the patchwork structure of bad TV. The lifeless charades presided over by the two lead actresses was just embarrassing as they bickered and shouted their lines like Lucy and Ethel. Lauren Anne Miller was cute but bland while Ari Graynor gave a performance tone-deaf abrasive, channeling Bette Midler at her loudest. For a good time…….choose a different movie if this one’s tempting you at Red Box.

5. ALEX CROSS

A scowl and a black trench coat do not an action hero make. Tyler Perry looks less foolish in a dress than he did in the action scenes of ALEX CROSS. Without the pendulous bosom, glossy fright wig, and sass, Perry was adrift. He’s a big guy at 6’4″ but he has that big black Baby Huey face that he used in ALEX CROSS to sneer and growl and squint like he was trying so hard to shed Medea’s skin right before our eyes and reveal his inner Bruce Willis. There were so many close-ups of him failing to emote, such as the scene where he cradled his dying wife and couldn’t muster more than an unconvincing pout, that you just felt bad that he was so out of his league. Some of the action scenes were in slo-mo to disguise the fact Perry is more convincing swinging a purse than throwing a punch. ALEX CROSS was rated PG-13 so Mr. Perry’s fan base could take the whole family to see a movie that opened with a serial killer tying a negligee-clad beauty to a bed and torturing her to death by slicing her fingers off one by one. ALEX CROSS was almost, but not quite, fun-bad enough to recommend.

4. TIM AND ERIC’S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE

Not since Tom Green has a supposed funnyman (or in this case, funnymen) been so self-indulgently persistent in testing a moviegoer’s patience. TIM AND ERIC’S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE, which made last year’s BUCKY LARSON BORN TO BE A STAR look like Oscar bait, was made as terrible as possible by the hapless direction and writing of stars Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, the “talent” behind the cable show Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!  Perhaps their kind comedy works better in short sketches but their feature was one of the most annoying and uncomfortable films I’d seen in a long time. All the intended-to-be-funny moments just came off as desperate attempts by the pair to shock the crowd with gags about pedophilia, being covered in various fluids, and getting their genitals pierced. There was a lengthy sequence involving four prepubescent boys squirting diarrhea onto Wareheim in a bathtub, a scene that initially elicited groans from the audience that soon dissolve into bored silence, but to dismiss this movie for being ‘offensive’ would be to offer it high praise. Pudgy, pasty and homely, Neidecker and Wareheim had a distinctly repellent anti-charisma that sucked any joy out of the room the moment they appeared on-screen and I hope to never lay eyes on either of them again.

3. PIRANHA 3DD

This sequel to Alexandre Aja’s gruesomely fun Piranha remake showed a lot of early promise. The trailer looked fun. But then The Weinstein Company opted to release the film in only a handful of theaters while simultaneously playing it on VOD platforms. And it quickly became apparent why. This film was a disaster. The Piranhas get loose into the water supply and soon make their way into a waterpark where they go on a feeding frenzy. Director John Gulager bungles everything that worked in the first film–the humor falls flat, and even David Hasselhoff comes off looking bad as he plays….David Hasselhoff. Not even 3D boobies could redeem this mess.

2. MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, Mirror on the wall… Who went too campy and lost them all? The audience that is. Tarsem Singh failed miserably at attempting to blend the classic Brothers Grimm fairy tale with modern humor. What’s left is a kid-friendly, strange mess of a film. Julia Roberts was great as usual, but even she couldn’t make up for her co-star Lily Collins bad acting. I’d rather eat a poisoned apple then ever watch this again!

1. THAT’S MY BOY

Don’t confuse this with the vastly superior 1951 film starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis (yeah, I said superior!). I had found Adam Sandler amusing in Judd Apatow’s FUNNY PEOPLE years ago, but this wasn’t truly a Sandler flick. THAT’S MY BOY is the full deal, from Happy Madison Films which has often aimed for family friendly fare like JACK AND JILL. With BOY they’re going after the R-rated raunchy Apatow audience, and they miserably fail (or should I use the current phrase ‘epic fail’?). The film begins with a celebration of statutory rape! A teacher seduces a student half her age! How wonderful and hilarious!. Said student grows up to be Sandler complete with shaggy black wig, grating Baaa-stin accent, and chronic alcoholism. As he drives, he guzzles from a (label to the camera) Budweiser “tall-boy” (and they were angry about having their products shown in FLIGHT?). Oh, that rascal, that scamp! The result of the illegal tryst in the opening scenes is Andy Samberg. Let’s hope the SNL video short star escapes before being trapped in the Sandler posse (it may be too late for Kevin James..he’s assimilated). Gags (in the truest sense of the word)  involving obese strippers, octogenarian sex, masturbation, and incest top off 2012’s most vile, unpleasant two hours (?!!) at the multiplex! Time to hit the showers!