Best of the Bad … ‘The Ice Pirates’

I wager that if I told you Anjelica Huston has played a stiletto-heeled space pirate from the future who steals ice from an evil empire, you may promptly have me locked up. Unfortunately, its quite true. The Ice Pirates (1984) was directed by Stewart Raffill (Mac and Me) and stars Robert Urich, Ron Perlman, John Carradine, John Matuszak (Caveman), Max von Sydow and yes, Anjelica Huston.

The movie takes place in the distant future when water has become so scare that its become the most valuable substance in the galaxy, used as currency and power. A band of pirates have been stealing ice from the Evil Templars who now control the largest supply of water. When two of the pirates are captured, they barely escape a fate worse than death and are purchased by the princess to rescue her father, the king, who has disappeared.

The Ice Pirates is so cheesy, so blatantly 1980’s … made with all the glory of miniature models against primitive blue screen back drops, complete with over-the-top comically dramatic musical scores and plenty of “I can’t believe I just witnessed that” moments that its good fun for anyone. The pirates have bargain basement robots that sound like some mad scientist crossed R2-D2 with a flock of pigeons.

This movie is filled with plenty of reasons to wallow in its hillarity. Here’s a short list of some of them: a flatulant alien on the toilet; a pimp-bot selling sex; frog ladies; a space herpe on the loose; brainless bounty hunters; Amazon women with attack unicorns and a climactic battle royale while traveling through a time warp. What more could you ask for?

The dialogue is shamefully bad, consisting basically of tired cliche’s, play-on words and one-liners referring to what action just took place. And yes, the ice pirates [of the future] do dress like the pirates of old … and yes, the soldiers for the Evil Templar do dress in the garb and chain-mail of the templar knights of old. If MST3K was still around, I am positive The Ice Pirates would have made a fantabulosly popular episode.