ASSASSIN’S CREED – Review

In the last remaining days of 2016, Hollywood turns, once more, to a popular source for another box office blockbuster. This isn’t a prequel, sequel, spin-off, or reboot. And this new release isn’t an adaptation of a stage show like FENCES, or a TV show, nor a comic book (or a prose best seller). Once again the studios roll the dice on another try at launching a big franchise based on a video game (or in this case a series of games). This past summer, movie audiences were largely indifferent to THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE (based on an “app” game) and WARCRAFT (except in China, where it was a massive hit). Like the latter, this new flick’s inspiration as been on the gaming shelves for a good long time, nearly ten years. But unlike that earlier movie, this sports a very prestigious international cast. Oddly enough, the leading lady and man teamed with this director last year at this time for a new big screen version of the classic stage work MAC… (whoops, guess I’d better be cautious and say “the Scottish play”). It’s a big jump from Shakespeare to ASSASSIN’S CREED.

The story starts with a flashback (way, way back) to the end of the 15th century, in Spain, as a new member joins the society of assassins. We follow an eagle soaring from there all the way to California in the late 1980’s (and boy, are his wings tired). Eight year-old Cal Lynch pedals his bike to his home in a dusty desert town, just in time to find his mortally wounded mother. Oh, and his pop is in this weird hooded outfit, just like the assassins from the opening. It looks like a dagger from a strange glove/gauntlet he’s wearing took her out. No time for explanations as the sound of helicopters and several cars and trucks interrupt the silence. Little Cal escapes into the desert, and thirty years later the adult Cal (Michael Fassbender) is on death row in a Texas prison. It’s his birthday…and his last day. Cal is strapped down and administered a lethal injection. He blacks out as the poison makes its way through the tube leading to his vein. And then he wakes up in a lab/hospital. Hovering over him is the woman in charge, Sofia (Marion Cotillard). Cal’s death was faked in order to help in the scientific research begun by her father Rikkin (Jeremy Irons). They are searching for a baseball-size orb called the “apple of Eden” which will enable them to end violence around the globe for all time. Since Cal is a direct descendant of those 15th century assassins who last had the Eden orb, Sofia hooks him up to a memory exploration device called the Animus. As his ancestor Aguilar, Cal will find the orb when his brain is jacked into the Animus (the ultimate simulator) system. But Cal is not the only ancestor, a group of descendants are already there plotting an escape from the complex. But will this thwart the mission and finally end Cal’s new chance at life?

Well, that’s about all that sinks in from this rambling, incoherent mess. We’re in the modern day, now we’re back in 1492, but we’re still really in both. And so on to the point of delirium. What a waste of an incredibly talented cast. Many of his fans will be pleased that Mr. Fassbender is sans shirt for most of the film (just interferes with the tech I guess), but he’s got little to do dramatically as either Cal or Aguilar (his eyes are nearly always in shadow because of that #*%# hood!). He does get to bellow and howl the lyrics to Patsy’s Cline classic “Crazy” for no real reason. His considerable charisma can’t jump start this story. The recent ALLIED reminded us that Cotillard can be charming and compelling in an action thriller, but her role of Sofia exists mostly to explain the techno-babble to Cal, then have quiet, moral discussions with her papa (she gets to scream “I’ve got this!” to her over-zealous security team a couple a’ times). Her psuedo-Brit accent makes many of her lines difficult to grasp, maybe to heighten her connection to Irons, who has done this “noble intellectual hiding sinister intentions” role far too often. Two other wonderful actors, Brendan Gleeson and Charlotte Rampling, are underused in mere cameos.

Now I’m sure most of the “gamers” are just interested in the action sequences, but director Justin Kurzel shoots them in the dullest, most confusing way possible. Of course, there’s the “Matrix-inspired” changes in speed from kinetic fast to “super slo-mo” and back again, augmented by rapid-fire cuts, editing in a way that disconnects us from the main protagonists (that’s Cal, no that’s the lady assassin, no that’s…). There are far too many sweeping , soaring overhead shots with that omnipresent eagle (or is it a falcon?). One big rescue sequence with two wagons rumbling toward a cliff is near unwatchable thanks to the constant dust and dirt paired with headache-inducing sun flares. An escape from a fiery fate leads to an absurd rooftop battle that seems to be right from a ninja arcade game. All the fights come to abrupt conclusions when there’s a connection glitch and Cal is out cold. When things are working well, the flow of the action sequences is disrupted by cut aways to the modern Cal fighting “ghost images” of what’s playing in his head. Frustrating? You bet! And at nearly two hours, it’s truly a mind-numbing chore. I’m sure the studio hopes that this will be that start of a film franchise similar to the game series (nearly twenty incarnations for different systems and platforms), but it’s a sure bet that ASSASSIN’S CREED will return and stay on the small home screens rather than returning to the big screens at the multiplex. Okay, I’m ready for the fan fury, because this barely merits…

1 Out of 5