Hump Day Horribleness: ‘The Hellcats’

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘The Hellcats’

Release Date: 1967

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 9/2/2009): #12 (based on 1073 votes)

Why it’s Here: Biker chicks and Davy Jones, that’s about all this movie has going for it.   What’s it have working against it?   A whole helluva lot.  Directed by Robert F. Slatzer from a screenplay by Tony Huston and James Gordon White, the movie moves along at a snails pace.  After setting up the opening at an undercover cop’s funeral, any idea of a discernible plot line gets lost in endless scenes of people riding on bikes and dancing to funky, super swinging sounds of the ’60s.  At one point, Davy Jones and the Dolphins kick into their song, “Mass Confusion,” and the placement couldn’t be more appropriate.  There’s a backbone narrative of some sorts about former military guy going undercover and the biker gang his brother was riding with.  The mob gets connected in there somewhere, but, honestly, it gets easy to lose track of where any noticeable story is going.  The film, if whittled down to its soul, could have, and probably should have, been about 10 minutes long.  What Slatzer and company do is pad the hell out of it with every, little bit of minutia they can think of.  We get more than a few scenes involving Eric Lidberg as Hiney, a gang member who just can’t lay off the 8-balls.  Watching him practically OD once is torture enough, but we get to revisit it again and again, as if it’s the only thing holding the film’s flimsy structure up.

And it’s not like the film can even play up the style-over-substance card.  A number of shots that are way, WAY out of focus indicate the director may have been falling asleep behind the camera.  That’s not all that surprising, but you would have thought someone on set would have cared enough to let him know what he was shooting.  Special props also go out to Gil Hubbs, the cinematographer, on this one.  I emphasize “props” not in the sense of kudos but literal props…from the movie.  He clearly got hold of some of the drugs laying around on set and imbibed himself.  What am I saying?  Hubbs clearly isn’t the only person on this films set who was under some kind of chemical influence.  It’s very odd considering Hubbs would go on seven years later to serve as director of photography on ‘Enter the Dragon.’

The acting is plain awful with Ross Hagen leading the pack.  Typically a character actor for TV westerns, Hagen advanced to the lead position for ‘The Hellcats,’ and he dropped the ball completely.  According to his biography on IMDB, he once ran an acting school with his wife, Claire Polan.  I would love to see some of the talent that came out of that school.  However, as abysmal a performance as Hagen gives here, it holds no candle to the utter gear-grinding dialogue reading that comes from the director himself, Robert F. Slatzer.  He plays the mob boss, and any semblance of acting ability hits a brick wall when it’s in this guy’s presence.

The film does have one, interesting scene, however.  At one point, as a sort of initiation into the gang, would-be members are forced to lay down on the ground and have their feet tied to the back of one bike.  They then hold on a rape that is tied to another bike.  The bike they are tied to begins revving and pulling them, and the inductees have to hold on for a certain amount of time.  It’s an interesting segment that would have worked wonders in a much better film.  As it stands, it’s just a mild high point in a film loaded with lows.

‘The Hellcats’ is a complete mess of boring screenwriting, horrendous direction and cringe-inducing performances.  On the surface, it’s the kind of film that would play perfectly in a Grindhouse double feature, but it’s just so bland and meaningless.  It truly is one of those movies where you sit back after it is over and ask yourself, “What the hell was that movie about?”

Lowest of the Low Moments: At one point during a particularly raucous party, a fight breaks out.   To say the choreography in this fight is bad is putting it incredibly lightly.   This is some of the worst fight choreography this side of ‘Pocket Ninjas.’   The guys involved are swinging chains at one another, and the way one of them jumps over the chain is more reminiscent of jumping rope than a hard-edged, biker brawl.   In a film with this much down-time and boring plot progression, you would think the one, true, action sequence might get revved up even more so.   Well, Mr. Slatzer took that notion and stomped it into the ground.   This fight is just awful, and, like everything else in the film, it takes about four times as long to play out as it should.

Not even these glorious screen captures will give you much of an inclination as to how slow-paced this fight is, but enjoy them anyway.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: In all honesty, as bad as this film is, it probably does not deserve to be on the IMDB bottom 100 at all, let alone all the way up/down the list at #12.   Having said this, it’s probably not a good sign for the film getting off the list any time soon.   With just over 1000 votes, it would have to pick up some serious cult status to move its way up and off the list permanently.   Unfortunately, the film, while not a good film in any sense, falls nowhere near the “so bad it’s good” category as something like ‘Troll 2.’   Don’t look for this film to ever get off the list.   In fact, it’s probably a good idea not to look for this film in any sense of the word.   The more this film falls further into the swamp of obscurity it’s already sunk in, the better.